Motherhood & Ground Warfare
Something's going on in my house today. I sensed it yesterday afternoon, but I didn't have time to slow down and ask any questions - just sensed it, sensed Him moving and smiled. I love the line from the Chronicles of Narnia, "Aslan is on the move." Indeed. He's shaking His powerful mane and letting out a primal, otherworldly roar as He surveys His kingdom...demons tremble and His children take heart. It's a fearfully, peaceful place to stand in the Presence of a mighty King.
Years and years ago - can't even really remember when - I felt like Jesus had more for me to understand. It was so small - this feeling - that I could have run right past it in the busyness of motherhood. But because Jesus keeps pursuing His Bride, He kept making me aware of this feeling. It just felt like a knot in the pit of my stomach. At the time we were in a faith culture that taught feelings were not safe, predictable and rarely from Him - stick with the formulas that produce God's blessings. So for about 4 years I was able to push this "feeling" down. But did you know that you really long for relationship with Him? And you can live pursuing "Santa's" presents or you can have relationship with Him. Most of us just want the formula for the presents. "What do I have to do to have the good marriage, the great kids and good life?" - to stay off the Naughty List. We've been lied to - tricked into believing that the presents are better than the Giver.
Guaranteed hard things will come when you pursue deepening relationship with Jesus. Promise. Mark my word. Told ya so...you get it. But He will be with you. This is where my "Reformedness" comes out. I don't believe that you get any more of Jesus tomorrow than you have today if you've responded to His invitation to be King of your life. But I do believe you discover Him more and more in new and fresh ways that you never thought possible. Kind of like seeing the root system of the flower - it's always been there, but you didn't know until you looked. And this is what I was wanting, I wanted to see the roots...because honestly, the Lawman and I sucked at figuring out and actually doing the gig we were told you had to do to get the presents. Seriously, sucked at it. But we loved Him more than anything...and He was inviting us to discover more and more of Him.
Now I can articulate what He was showing me about that weird knot in my stomach. Jesus was inviting me to pray in a way I had never prayed before. I'm sitting here crying thinking that I might have missed it - missed knowing Him in this way. But Aslan, His roar is loud and He keeps roaring across the landscape of our hearts.
So the past two weeks I've heard my 17yo son walking through the house in the mornings with his headphones around his neck blaring a singer named, Jason Upton. First of all - we're pretty laid back with our music listening around here - we're not a "Christian Only" kind of family. So I knew that this kid was trying to connect with Jesus before he went to his public high school. I get it. Connecting with Him is so important...it's the whole deal, really.
Back to Jason, he reminds me of Keith Green (look Keith up when you have a minute.:) who was a singer/prophet in the 70's and 80's. For starters Jason isn't my go to for worship, he's WAY intense. Mercy. ;) But my sweet man introduced me to this singer/poet/prophet during the time that we were falling in love with Jesus and He was inviting me to learn to pray. So going about my days these past few weeks I felt Him telling me something...at least I thought He was weaving something together that I just couldn't see yet. Sort of like hearing "your song" that you shared with your love...it brought a smile to my face and quickened my heart.
Here's what you have to know about learning to pray. Praying is one of the two things Jesus told us to do right before he left - make disciples and pray. He knew that's about all our demigod hearts could handle, make 1 or 2 disciples at a time and pray. Our impact would need to be so small to our own eyes to keep us in that beautiful place of Him receiving the glory. All of it. All of it. All of it. When you have this many kids you quickly learn that your impact isn't going to end up on the front of a magazine. ;) Jesus on a bicycle - you're just trying to keep people from killing each other and fed and into bed that night so you can REPEAT it ALL OVER AGAIN THE NEXT DAY!!! So seeing what Jesus was inviting me into wasn't such a huge leap for me - I was already hidden!! LOL
As a mom - I think we all pray, even if we don't know Jesus. Our hearts are crying out for our kids, our marriage, our jobs. I call those heart prayers. I remember hearing a missionary say once, "It's not really praying if you're not saying it out loud." Of course, my brain works different and I thought "Then what about people who are deaf and can't speak or mute? Can they not pray??" I'm just saying that we all pray - even the earth groans for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed. (Romans 8:19)
So here's how I learned how to pray. In the middle of the night I would wake to feed a baby and look at my smart phone. Love it. Love having to share that embarrassing truth. But that's what I did. I would look at all the social media, the news, Pinterest, etc. I was also reading a book called at the time called, "Kite Runner" too. It was waking me up to sex trafficking. This was before the beautiful movement to end sex trade began and I just had no idea, y'all. No idea. Then one night I hear Jesus say, "What if I show you the deeper things you've been longing to see." I was so excited I said "YES!!!" I just sighed really deeply typing that sentence. I didn't know the deeper things He would show me and I hope I would say yes again after seeing the things He showed me during those middle of the night feedings. Rocking your baby and feeding her as you battle in the spirit against evil in Southeast Asia for a little girl who is the intent of a man so broken he gratifies himself in breaking a child. And you have to SEE these things in the spirit to know how to pray. I don't know. I hope I would say yes again. I just don't know - for sure I have some residual scars from that season. Shaving my head felt like cleansing and healing from the hard of that time.
Learning to pray means you're going to mess up. You'll mess up on the knowing what you're praying about. Sometimes in my prayers I would pray in another language and not really know what I was saying. I remember once repeating a phrase over and over as I prayed for a friend who was going to pray for a young mom in her 20's dying of cancer. I don't remember the phrase, but it sounded like an Indian language and I text a friend who's married to a precious guy from India. He said "It refers to a turban that one wears - it shows authority. What you're saying is "She walks in authority." SCORE!!! I mean I just felt so awesome. I really was hearing from Jesus. Like for real. Took it to a new level for me. Fast forward a few weeks and I felt called to pray for my oldest kid. I was cleaning his room and noticed a box under his bed. I have this thing where I don't snoop around in my kid's stuff - it's their stuff. So I said "Hey, there's this box under your bed...what's in there?"..."My drugs." he said. My heart dropped - I knew it. I knew it was something like this that I had been praying about.
Have you ever had a kid that can so read you it's not EVEN funny. LOL ;) He dug the box out from under his bed and showed me letters from us when he spent a summer in Africa, manhood letters he had gotten from his dad and other memorabilia. And no drugs. Praise. I love that kid. He can tell me what I'm thinking before I think it most of the time. Hate it! So what am I saying? I'm not always right and I've learned that it doesn't matter that I know what I'm praying about or for all of the time...I just respond to the invitation to pray.
So today I've been walking around praying in that strange language. It's been a rough season. We sold our forever home and feel shame that it even hurts, because people of our faith are being martyred overseas. We've been asking Jesus where we fit best in the Bride and feeling out of place and it makes you feel alone. Like you're so weird. Just a lot of crying out to Abba and Him saying "I'm all you need...keep pursuing me and not the blessings. I'm enough."
While I'm praying this morning - remember there's been an undercurrent for a few weeks :) - I hear a song by Jason come on the iPod. It's called *Lullaby*...and it's important to us because it's the song that Jesus sang over my sweet Lawman 8 years ago. I think back to that hard healing time and seeing my grown husband of four children crying and crying and not able to talk as Jesus healed him of the wounds of being abandoned by his biological dad all those years ago. I couldn't do anything, but sit and pray as he wept like a little boy realizing he's not worth keeping. There's a phrase in the song that repeats "Ada, abba, ah da..." I guess we've always thought it was just the Jason's way of communicating being a child before our Father. Without Jason's knowing, he later learned that the phrase is Malawi for "Come to the table." I just cried this morning. I had been singing another song (like going to sleep and waking up singing it) that repeats the verse, "Come to the table, taste and see that He is good." Jesus used Jason's song to heal years ago and is using it today to heal again today.
"Come to the table, Chris and Ami."...it has been prophesied over and over us recently that He's making a table for us where we get to help serve our favorite foods to the hurting and hungry. We have NO IDEA what the table or food is or would be, but we're aware that He's speaking. We won't try to figure it out, just walk in relationship with Him everyday. He'll lead the way.
What is Jesus inviting you into? How have you learned to pray? Is there something distracting you from knowing Him in this beautiful way? Your prayers matter. They move things around in the spirit world. There is a very real battle - more real than the chair you're sitting in right now. Will you enter into the battle to see Life and Light conquer evil? And sometimes you'll need a friend like mine who said the other day, "Ami...you're tired. You need to take a break and rest from intercession." She was right on, I needed to give myself grace to rest. You will need to rest too.
I need to hop off here, but this is another song that we love by Upton that has an angel singing in it too. Here's the song and here's the link to the story behind the song. May you soar with Him today, sweet friend. He's calling ~ I'm praying that you'll hear Him and come and sit at the table and taste and see that He is good. Love each of you deeply!
Years and years ago - can't even really remember when - I felt like Jesus had more for me to understand. It was so small - this feeling - that I could have run right past it in the busyness of motherhood. But because Jesus keeps pursuing His Bride, He kept making me aware of this feeling. It just felt like a knot in the pit of my stomach. At the time we were in a faith culture that taught feelings were not safe, predictable and rarely from Him - stick with the formulas that produce God's blessings. So for about 4 years I was able to push this "feeling" down. But did you know that you really long for relationship with Him? And you can live pursuing "Santa's" presents or you can have relationship with Him. Most of us just want the formula for the presents. "What do I have to do to have the good marriage, the great kids and good life?" - to stay off the Naughty List. We've been lied to - tricked into believing that the presents are better than the Giver.
Guaranteed hard things will come when you pursue deepening relationship with Jesus. Promise. Mark my word. Told ya so...you get it. But He will be with you. This is where my "Reformedness" comes out. I don't believe that you get any more of Jesus tomorrow than you have today if you've responded to His invitation to be King of your life. But I do believe you discover Him more and more in new and fresh ways that you never thought possible. Kind of like seeing the root system of the flower - it's always been there, but you didn't know until you looked. And this is what I was wanting, I wanted to see the roots...because honestly, the Lawman and I sucked at figuring out and actually doing the gig we were told you had to do to get the presents. Seriously, sucked at it. But we loved Him more than anything...and He was inviting us to discover more and more of Him.
Now I can articulate what He was showing me about that weird knot in my stomach. Jesus was inviting me to pray in a way I had never prayed before. I'm sitting here crying thinking that I might have missed it - missed knowing Him in this way. But Aslan, His roar is loud and He keeps roaring across the landscape of our hearts.
Back to Jason, he reminds me of Keith Green (look Keith up when you have a minute.:) who was a singer/prophet in the 70's and 80's. For starters Jason isn't my go to for worship, he's WAY intense. Mercy. ;) But my sweet man introduced me to this singer/poet/prophet during the time that we were falling in love with Jesus and He was inviting me to learn to pray. So going about my days these past few weeks I felt Him telling me something...at least I thought He was weaving something together that I just couldn't see yet. Sort of like hearing "your song" that you shared with your love...it brought a smile to my face and quickened my heart.
Here's what you have to know about learning to pray. Praying is one of the two things Jesus told us to do right before he left - make disciples and pray. He knew that's about all our demigod hearts could handle, make 1 or 2 disciples at a time and pray. Our impact would need to be so small to our own eyes to keep us in that beautiful place of Him receiving the glory. All of it. All of it. All of it. When you have this many kids you quickly learn that your impact isn't going to end up on the front of a magazine. ;) Jesus on a bicycle - you're just trying to keep people from killing each other and fed and into bed that night so you can REPEAT it ALL OVER AGAIN THE NEXT DAY!!! So seeing what Jesus was inviting me into wasn't such a huge leap for me - I was already hidden!! LOL
As a mom - I think we all pray, even if we don't know Jesus. Our hearts are crying out for our kids, our marriage, our jobs. I call those heart prayers. I remember hearing a missionary say once, "It's not really praying if you're not saying it out loud." Of course, my brain works different and I thought "Then what about people who are deaf and can't speak or mute? Can they not pray??" I'm just saying that we all pray - even the earth groans for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed. (Romans 8:19)
So here's how I learned how to pray. In the middle of the night I would wake to feed a baby and look at my smart phone. Love it. Love having to share that embarrassing truth. But that's what I did. I would look at all the social media, the news, Pinterest, etc. I was also reading a book called at the time called, "Kite Runner" too. It was waking me up to sex trafficking. This was before the beautiful movement to end sex trade began and I just had no idea, y'all. No idea. Then one night I hear Jesus say, "What if I show you the deeper things you've been longing to see." I was so excited I said "YES!!!" I just sighed really deeply typing that sentence. I didn't know the deeper things He would show me and I hope I would say yes again after seeing the things He showed me during those middle of the night feedings. Rocking your baby and feeding her as you battle in the spirit against evil in Southeast Asia for a little girl who is the intent of a man so broken he gratifies himself in breaking a child. And you have to SEE these things in the spirit to know how to pray. I don't know. I hope I would say yes again. I just don't know - for sure I have some residual scars from that season. Shaving my head felt like cleansing and healing from the hard of that time.Learning to pray means you're going to mess up. You'll mess up on the knowing what you're praying about. Sometimes in my prayers I would pray in another language and not really know what I was saying. I remember once repeating a phrase over and over as I prayed for a friend who was going to pray for a young mom in her 20's dying of cancer. I don't remember the phrase, but it sounded like an Indian language and I text a friend who's married to a precious guy from India. He said "It refers to a turban that one wears - it shows authority. What you're saying is "She walks in authority." SCORE!!! I mean I just felt so awesome. I really was hearing from Jesus. Like for real. Took it to a new level for me. Fast forward a few weeks and I felt called to pray for my oldest kid. I was cleaning his room and noticed a box under his bed. I have this thing where I don't snoop around in my kid's stuff - it's their stuff. So I said "Hey, there's this box under your bed...what's in there?"..."My drugs." he said. My heart dropped - I knew it. I knew it was something like this that I had been praying about.
Have you ever had a kid that can so read you it's not EVEN funny. LOL ;) He dug the box out from under his bed and showed me letters from us when he spent a summer in Africa, manhood letters he had gotten from his dad and other memorabilia. And no drugs. Praise. I love that kid. He can tell me what I'm thinking before I think it most of the time. Hate it! So what am I saying? I'm not always right and I've learned that it doesn't matter that I know what I'm praying about or for all of the time...I just respond to the invitation to pray.
So today I've been walking around praying in that strange language. It's been a rough season. We sold our forever home and feel shame that it even hurts, because people of our faith are being martyred overseas. We've been asking Jesus where we fit best in the Bride and feeling out of place and it makes you feel alone. Like you're so weird. Just a lot of crying out to Abba and Him saying "I'm all you need...keep pursuing me and not the blessings. I'm enough."
While I'm praying this morning - remember there's been an undercurrent for a few weeks :) - I hear a song by Jason come on the iPod. It's called *Lullaby*...and it's important to us because it's the song that Jesus sang over my sweet Lawman 8 years ago. I think back to that hard healing time and seeing my grown husband of four children crying and crying and not able to talk as Jesus healed him of the wounds of being abandoned by his biological dad all those years ago. I couldn't do anything, but sit and pray as he wept like a little boy realizing he's not worth keeping. There's a phrase in the song that repeats "Ada, abba, ah da..." I guess we've always thought it was just the Jason's way of communicating being a child before our Father. Without Jason's knowing, he later learned that the phrase is Malawi for "Come to the table." I just cried this morning. I had been singing another song (like going to sleep and waking up singing it) that repeats the verse, "Come to the table, taste and see that He is good." Jesus used Jason's song to heal years ago and is using it today to heal again today.
"Come to the table, Chris and Ami."...it has been prophesied over and over us recently that He's making a table for us where we get to help serve our favorite foods to the hurting and hungry. We have NO IDEA what the table or food is or would be, but we're aware that He's speaking. We won't try to figure it out, just walk in relationship with Him everyday. He'll lead the way.
What is Jesus inviting you into? How have you learned to pray? Is there something distracting you from knowing Him in this beautiful way? Your prayers matter. They move things around in the spirit world. There is a very real battle - more real than the chair you're sitting in right now. Will you enter into the battle to see Life and Light conquer evil? And sometimes you'll need a friend like mine who said the other day, "Ami...you're tired. You need to take a break and rest from intercession." She was right on, I needed to give myself grace to rest. You will need to rest too.
I need to hop off here, but this is another song that we love by Upton that has an angel singing in it too. Here's the song and here's the link to the story behind the song. May you soar with Him today, sweet friend. He's calling ~ I'm praying that you'll hear Him and come and sit at the table and taste and see that He is good. Love each of you deeply!
Comments
Post a Comment