Am I Good Enough??
Years ago I was a part of a women's ministry where I wrote curriculum and taught women older and wiser than myself about what it meant to be a woman. (stop laughing) I was barley into my 30's and knew everything about parenting, womanhood and being a wife. Come on! You KNOW I did!!!! ;) And let me tell you - I DRIPPED with humility too. Nothing like asking a strong, young woman with a few good ideas to help shape other women into godliness.
You know the most dangerous lies are the ones that are almost true.
Today I'm sitting here laughing at that girl/woman and listening to the Dixie Chicks (if my sons were here they'd walk by and click on something more like what their dad likes...gah! They don't know good music!!!! ;):) knowing less than I did a decade ago. And I think that seems to be a common theme I'm experiencing as I age. The things I REALLY know get fewer and more concrete. Jesus is King...and I'm not - you're not either, FYI. ;) I could stop here.
But something struck me this morning as I was cleaning out my basement - trying to get things into shape before we hike-it across the ocean and into a land I didn't know how to find on a map 6 months ago - HAVING OLDER CHILDREN WILL BRING OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR INSECURITIES. ALL. OF. THEM.
March them across the stage of your heart and make you want to give your seat to someone waiting outside at the box office to see the story of your life.
I think that's why I knew everything in my early 30's - I didn't have any adult children.
When you have children who haven't stuck their hairy little toes into adolescence you can build a really huge foundation on how you've parented and the way to raise kids. It's true. You really do feel like you've unlocked the keys to parenting once your kids are sleeping through the night, learning how to read, quote a few scriptures, get baptized and are eating in public without throwing food. Throw in a few hard knocks in marriage, life and couple of Bible studies and my GOSH - you ready for your own ministry, blog and book! ;)
I thought that if my kids ever listened to secular music...oh, dear - God forbid!!! And if I didn't elevate them to the place of "focus on the family" our family would be a shambles = HOMESCHOOL. (I do homeschool now, but only because I'm jealous of time with my kids). I believed if you worked hard enough to keep evil from your children and your children from evil...why didn't anyone ever tell me that more of Jesus was the answer to less of this world. No protection I could imagine would keep my children from evil - only more of Jesus. But that's human nature to get it backwards - we've been doing that since the garden.
Someone said once "Children are the biggest phony detectors around." I'd like to second this most profound piece of WISDOM. It's one of the reasons I glaze over if people tell me how amazing they think I am, how I've "changed their lives", etc. Inside my head I think "You don't live with me. You don't hear me speak harshly to the 15yo for forgetting to take the trash out AGAIN. You don't see me dishonor my husband when I think he's being foolish." I've heard people tell me how many were lead to Jesus through someone and that same someone had a flourishing ministry only to come home and offer hate and anger and evil to their family. Children know the REAL you.
The older I've gotten the more real it is to me that the "edge" is closer than you think and you're almost always on it, but Jesus keeps you firm. Only Jesus. Not your great theology of Him or your tested and true parenting techniques or the correct translation of scripture. Jesus is the ONLY one keeping your feet from tripping and falling down the cliff as you surrender to Him.
Being a mother will offer you the opportunity to see every insecurity you've ever had be responded to when your children reach adulthood. It's a beast I must say. There is nothing as powerful, in my experience, as the praise or judgment coming from the mouth of your child. Nothing except Jesus.
I remember thinking that having three late elementary aged kids merited me the platform to talk about raising kids. These days I have adult children and I don't feel like I have any platform except maybe how to feed an army and how to pray your guts out!! God knows what it's like to have children. Like our pastor says "Jesus didn't have to talk God the Father into loving us...it's always been His heart to be with us. Jesus provided the way." That's how I feel about my kids. I just want to be with them - my heart literally aches because I love them so very much. No words. They're my favorite people to be with - hands down.
Last night we were all on the front porch and one of the olders said something like "It's not okay - it's not love to tell someone to shut up." of course this was directed at ME somehow because I'm the mouthy one running outside to tell people to be quiet and the one who charges to the front door when someone is repeatedly knocking so they can sell me something - i.e. "Don't wake my baby!!" Juxtaposed to my pastoral husband - who I'd like to say has these SAME feelings and emotions and chooses to stuff them so he can go around being Jesus to people :) you can see how his gentleness only highlights my aggressive ways. Did I mention that kids can make you feel insecure??
So after I said "It's okay to tell people whatever you need to say NICELY... there's nothing wrong with conflict." I sat there thinking..."Why can't Chris be more like me and me more like him and Jesus?" I went to bed kinda down and once again having to get okay with who I am and how I'm viewed by my kids. Because theirs are the only opinions I give a rip about. I hate feeling insecure around them. But at the same time I so value what they think that I want them to be honest. And can I just say that with all the wrong ways we've parented Chris and I are always able to say "Well. At least they're honest." Mercy!
This post is rambling... so back to the basement. I was going through kids' stuff and throwing away and not really thinking about much. When I got a text from one of my kids saying this:
"The way you seek Jesus is right and just! I love the way you don't care what others think!"
And tears sprang to my eyes. If they only knew how much I do care about what 6 people on this planet think. I very much care. I was stunned at the kindness of the Father shown through this child - who I might add is not prone to false accolades...been embarrassed MANY times at this kids honesty. ;) As I replied I was/am confident that this comment came not from any great parenting or teaching this kid received or by learning the right things to say; but this came from someone who loves Jesus and I imagine heard Him say "Encourage your mom today - she needs it."
That. That my kids hear Jesus and obey...that's JESUS...ALL JESUS!!!!!!!!
I'll end by saying I know so much less than I did when I taught women how to be holy. But what I DO know is this...JESUS WILL KEEP YOUR FEET ON SOLID GROUND AS YOU SURRENDER TO HIM. And at the end of the day - He's the only one you need to please. You've got an audience of One.
You know the most dangerous lies are the ones that are almost true.
Today I'm sitting here laughing at that girl/woman and listening to the Dixie Chicks (if my sons were here they'd walk by and click on something more like what their dad likes...gah! They don't know good music!!!! ;):) knowing less than I did a decade ago. And I think that seems to be a common theme I'm experiencing as I age. The things I REALLY know get fewer and more concrete. Jesus is King...and I'm not - you're not either, FYI. ;) I could stop here.
But something struck me this morning as I was cleaning out my basement - trying to get things into shape before we hike-it across the ocean and into a land I didn't know how to find on a map 6 months ago - HAVING OLDER CHILDREN WILL BRING OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR INSECURITIES. ALL. OF. THEM.
I think that's why I knew everything in my early 30's - I didn't have any adult children.
When you have children who haven't stuck their hairy little toes into adolescence you can build a really huge foundation on how you've parented and the way to raise kids. It's true. You really do feel like you've unlocked the keys to parenting once your kids are sleeping through the night, learning how to read, quote a few scriptures, get baptized and are eating in public without throwing food. Throw in a few hard knocks in marriage, life and couple of Bible studies and my GOSH - you ready for your own ministry, blog and book! ;)
I thought that if my kids ever listened to secular music...oh, dear - God forbid!!! And if I didn't elevate them to the place of "focus on the family" our family would be a shambles = HOMESCHOOL. (I do homeschool now, but only because I'm jealous of time with my kids). I believed if you worked hard enough to keep evil from your children and your children from evil...why didn't anyone ever tell me that more of Jesus was the answer to less of this world. No protection I could imagine would keep my children from evil - only more of Jesus. But that's human nature to get it backwards - we've been doing that since the garden.
Someone said once "Children are the biggest phony detectors around." I'd like to second this most profound piece of WISDOM. It's one of the reasons I glaze over if people tell me how amazing they think I am, how I've "changed their lives", etc. Inside my head I think "You don't live with me. You don't hear me speak harshly to the 15yo for forgetting to take the trash out AGAIN. You don't see me dishonor my husband when I think he's being foolish." I've heard people tell me how many were lead to Jesus through someone and that same someone had a flourishing ministry only to come home and offer hate and anger and evil to their family. Children know the REAL you.
The older I've gotten the more real it is to me that the "edge" is closer than you think and you're almost always on it, but Jesus keeps you firm. Only Jesus. Not your great theology of Him or your tested and true parenting techniques or the correct translation of scripture. Jesus is the ONLY one keeping your feet from tripping and falling down the cliff as you surrender to Him.
I remember thinking that having three late elementary aged kids merited me the platform to talk about raising kids. These days I have adult children and I don't feel like I have any platform except maybe how to feed an army and how to pray your guts out!! God knows what it's like to have children. Like our pastor says "Jesus didn't have to talk God the Father into loving us...it's always been His heart to be with us. Jesus provided the way." That's how I feel about my kids. I just want to be with them - my heart literally aches because I love them so very much. No words. They're my favorite people to be with - hands down.
Last night we were all on the front porch and one of the olders said something like "It's not okay - it's not love to tell someone to shut up." of course this was directed at ME somehow because I'm the mouthy one running outside to tell people to be quiet and the one who charges to the front door when someone is repeatedly knocking so they can sell me something - i.e. "Don't wake my baby!!" Juxtaposed to my pastoral husband - who I'd like to say has these SAME feelings and emotions and chooses to stuff them so he can go around being Jesus to people :) you can see how his gentleness only highlights my aggressive ways. Did I mention that kids can make you feel insecure??
So after I said "It's okay to tell people whatever you need to say NICELY... there's nothing wrong with conflict." I sat there thinking..."Why can't Chris be more like me and me more like him and Jesus?" I went to bed kinda down and once again having to get okay with who I am and how I'm viewed by my kids. Because theirs are the only opinions I give a rip about. I hate feeling insecure around them. But at the same time I so value what they think that I want them to be honest. And can I just say that with all the wrong ways we've parented Chris and I are always able to say "Well. At least they're honest." Mercy!
This post is rambling... so back to the basement. I was going through kids' stuff and throwing away and not really thinking about much. When I got a text from one of my kids saying this:
"The way you seek Jesus is right and just! I love the way you don't care what others think!"
And tears sprang to my eyes. If they only knew how much I do care about what 6 people on this planet think. I very much care. I was stunned at the kindness of the Father shown through this child - who I might add is not prone to false accolades...been embarrassed MANY times at this kids honesty. ;) As I replied I was/am confident that this comment came not from any great parenting or teaching this kid received or by learning the right things to say; but this came from someone who loves Jesus and I imagine heard Him say "Encourage your mom today - she needs it."
That. That my kids hear Jesus and obey...that's JESUS...ALL JESUS!!!!!!!!
I'll end by saying I know so much less than I did when I taught women how to be holy. But what I DO know is this...JESUS WILL KEEP YOUR FEET ON SOLID GROUND AS YOU SURRENDER TO HIM. And at the end of the day - He's the only one you need to please. You've got an audience of One.
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