Vending Machine Jesus
Have you ever used a vending machine? They're awesome. When I was a girl I went straight for the Bugles. Lord. Loved those things. Except when they would get stuck. Imagine my small girl frame banging on the window trying to loosen the plastic bag full of awesomeness. If that didn't work I would try shaking the machine. And then - if that didn't work I would load up the quarters and push the B1 button again and hope for two bags of Bugles to fall to the base all the while trying to keep the push door from snapping my hand. If that didn't work I'd find the owner of the machine and ask for a refund. I like results. A lot. Not only that, but I like a challenge and I don't like quitting. As we get ready to take this next leap of faith with Jesus, I am finding that it's easy to slip back into the familiar idea/lifestyle that Larry Crabb mentions in his book "The Pressure's Off"...that we often view Jesus as the ultimate vending machine.
I had dinner last night with a precious friend that I look to as a big sister. We met about 6 years ago in our small group at church. She had just walked out of an abusive marriage and I was pregnant with my 5th child and ready for an emotional breakdown for a lot of reasons. Needless to say, we weren't in the best place in life to start a new friendship. But broken seasons are sometimes the exact place where you meet lifelong friends. We are a lot alike, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make a way where there doesn't seem to be one. "Suck it up and don't whine." would probably be a tshirt we would have made. ;) As we talked last night I listened to her share her heart and I shared mine. The common theme was this..."Jesus didn't promise life would be easy, but that he would be with us." Essentially, Jesus is not a vending machine manipulated by our prayers and good works and morality.
This is scandalous, the idea that Jesus cannot be controlled. It's what made all of the religious people so nervous around him. They had lived (or not) out of the law of the Old Testament where good behavior produced blessings from God. Not only did it procure blessings, it also gave a nice clean line of who was "in" and who was "out". My nature is extremely pharisaical. I love to know the rules, the organization, the structure, the movement of something so that I can decide if I want to participate or not. If I choose to join in I mean to be the best, like THE best at whatever I'm doing. If I decide I can't be the best then I don't join in...remember, I like results. So much of my Christian walk has worked for me because I'm really quite good at what Crabb says in his book as "living out the Old Way." Do the wise thing and get the blessing. I have always been willing to give up all my "quarters" in life if I can get however many "Bugles" I want. Hands down, I'll find however many quarters (prayer, fasting, sacrifice, faithfulness, etc.) and jam them into Jesus if he'll give me what I want. The great family, the growing ministry, the awesome marriage, the beautiful friendships. Just tell me how many I'll need and I'll make it happen.
I've been reading through the Psalms and circling God's name every time it comes up and underlining his character. I'm in the hundreds now and along with his anger and wrath (if you don't get this, you're not a parent...how you can love and be angry at your kid at the same time? Trust me.;) the most dominant theme is God's steadfast love and compassion. It's almost like David was saying "Hey...He gets it. He knows we're made from dirt. The pressure is off. Really...Someone is coming who will be Perfect in our place because He knows we just can't. All you need is Him, not the blessings...those eventually go away."
What I love about life, about God, is how you can think you're doing awesome and getting it right and really - it's just smelly junk to him. You can think "I've invested/sacrificed for my husband and have a great marriage." or "I protected my children from the ways of the world and they're going to do perfectly well...they're more comfortable with godliness than those other ways...they'll not stray." or "I've invested in this ministry/person and it's going to pay off because I haven't quit...I'll just keep going a little longer, the odds are in my favor." And the common thread in all of this is a heavy yoke and burden.
At some point in life - because God is merciful and gracious - the seams will start to come apart on the blessings. If we're living in the old way we look at the unraveling threads and think "Wait. I did everything right. This isn't supposed to happen.You said if I obeyed you that life would go well!!" (the Bugles are stuck) So we sit back and access the situation and realize we haven't prayed enough (more quarters), we haven't broken off enough generational sin (we weren't fast enough opening the snack door), we didn't know our lifestyle was just too much for this child's personality (we chose the wrong snack)...when the blessings don't come out right we start to second guess ourselves, or worse - we start resenting God.
I had dinner last night with a precious friend that I look to as a big sister. We met about 6 years ago in our small group at church. She had just walked out of an abusive marriage and I was pregnant with my 5th child and ready for an emotional breakdown for a lot of reasons. Needless to say, we weren't in the best place in life to start a new friendship. But broken seasons are sometimes the exact place where you meet lifelong friends. We are a lot alike, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and make a way where there doesn't seem to be one. "Suck it up and don't whine." would probably be a tshirt we would have made. ;) As we talked last night I listened to her share her heart and I shared mine. The common theme was this..."Jesus didn't promise life would be easy, but that he would be with us." Essentially, Jesus is not a vending machine manipulated by our prayers and good works and morality.
This is scandalous, the idea that Jesus cannot be controlled. It's what made all of the religious people so nervous around him. They had lived (or not) out of the law of the Old Testament where good behavior produced blessings from God. Not only did it procure blessings, it also gave a nice clean line of who was "in" and who was "out". My nature is extremely pharisaical. I love to know the rules, the organization, the structure, the movement of something so that I can decide if I want to participate or not. If I choose to join in I mean to be the best, like THE best at whatever I'm doing. If I decide I can't be the best then I don't join in...remember, I like results. So much of my Christian walk has worked for me because I'm really quite good at what Crabb says in his book as "living out the Old Way." Do the wise thing and get the blessing. I have always been willing to give up all my "quarters" in life if I can get however many "Bugles" I want. Hands down, I'll find however many quarters (prayer, fasting, sacrifice, faithfulness, etc.) and jam them into Jesus if he'll give me what I want. The great family, the growing ministry, the awesome marriage, the beautiful friendships. Just tell me how many I'll need and I'll make it happen.
I've been reading through the Psalms and circling God's name every time it comes up and underlining his character. I'm in the hundreds now and along with his anger and wrath (if you don't get this, you're not a parent...how you can love and be angry at your kid at the same time? Trust me.;) the most dominant theme is God's steadfast love and compassion. It's almost like David was saying "Hey...He gets it. He knows we're made from dirt. The pressure is off. Really...Someone is coming who will be Perfect in our place because He knows we just can't. All you need is Him, not the blessings...those eventually go away."
"The spiritual journey is rooted in liberty;
the freedom of grace:
Come as you are,
trembling, and learn to rest.
Then go out into life doing what's right
because you're privileged to do so,
because you want to be holy,
not because doing right is the way to a pleasant life.
Life may provide rich blessings.
Or it may not.
Either way you can know God."
Larry Crabb
What I love about life, about God, is how you can think you're doing awesome and getting it right and really - it's just smelly junk to him. You can think "I've invested/sacrificed for my husband and have a great marriage." or "I protected my children from the ways of the world and they're going to do perfectly well...they're more comfortable with godliness than those other ways...they'll not stray." or "I've invested in this ministry/person and it's going to pay off because I haven't quit...I'll just keep going a little longer, the odds are in my favor." And the common thread in all of this is a heavy yoke and burden.
At some point in life - because God is merciful and gracious - the seams will start to come apart on the blessings. If we're living in the old way we look at the unraveling threads and think "Wait. I did everything right. This isn't supposed to happen.You said if I obeyed you that life would go well!!" (the Bugles are stuck) So we sit back and access the situation and realize we haven't prayed enough (more quarters), we haven't broken off enough generational sin (we weren't fast enough opening the snack door), we didn't know our lifestyle was just too much for this child's personality (we chose the wrong snack)...when the blessings don't come out right we start to second guess ourselves, or worse - we start resenting God.
"It's harder to enjoy God than his blessings." Larry Crabb
Hooha, oh my gosh...YES! I'm not afraid of hard and I for sure know how to lay down my life to get the blessing, but remember those almost six years ago when my life was too much? My blessings weren't hitting the mark anymore - and I wondered if there might be more? Would it be okay to say that I hated the kind of ministry we were doing? Would my kids love me if I wasn't moved by manipulation? Would my marriage be something beautiful if I said that I thought beauty meant we were both fulfilled in our pursuit of Jesus and how we lived that out and not just my husband? Would it be okay to tell my man, "I don't like that dream. At all. I want to dream a different dream together." These were some scary questions for me to allow myself to ask, but I could see where the other trail of "performance" (show me the system and how to do it to get the results) ended up and I just didn't want to go there. The blessings were great, but I wondered if they were anything like knowing Him.
"Followers of the New Way dance with Christ
to the rhythm of the Spirit into the presence of God.
But they don't dance especially well.
Sometimes they trip over their own feet.
Sometimes they lose step with the rhythm
and trounce the Lord's toes."
Larry Crabb
I don't dance really great. My college kids try to show me the steps to new dances they know and I literally pull muscles. "Um, can you not twirl me so fast?" That's how I feel with God sometimes as I press into knowing Him and away from performance. I'm constantly saying "Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry! I'm new to this!" and He pulls me closer and smiles and whispers, "I think you're beautiful when you mess up ~ I know you just want to be with me." It's true. That's all I want now. Where I used to pray for the blessings, now I pray to know the Blesser. Where I used to beg Him to keep calamity away from me and my children, now I pray to sense His presence in the every situation. When I used to do everything to be a part of something and to be valued and viewed as excellent, now I just want to be near Him no matter the judgments cast my way.
As my Thai curry got cold last night and most of the patrons started leaving I sat there and thanked Jesus for this friend who knows my heart, no matter what comes out of my mouth. We both have lost something over these past six years - we've lost a lot of judgment and anxiety. That's what happens when you get freed from performance. Unlike the Old Way where you can quickly asses why someone's life isn't going well, connect the dots and offer them the "Here ya go...in case you ever want to get back on track. Thought this might be a helpful plan." What you find is this crazy compassion for human beings. Not that you can't call a spade a spade, but being with Him you start to see something that David talks about in the Psalms "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love..." Psalm 103:8 And there is such a deep peace (that goes past your own understanding) when you can rest in your brokenness and the brokenness of others and His grace and His Son.
I'm not saying that some days those Bugles don't sound like manna from Heaven. They do. But what I can say is that The Pressure's Off. I long to be holy, but I no longer have it in me to measure my holiness up against another's...I know that He may lead me right into a situation that looks like a huge mess up to people dear to me. I've realized that the moment I wake up my life is worship and as I turn my heart to Him my life is missional...I find I'm not angry at others for not sacrificing for Jesus. I get it now. I don't feel the need to say I'm right and you're wrong on the grey in life, but rather ~ it's just not for me and I trust Jesus to show you what he has for you.
We're all dirt...even the ones who think they have it right. He knows our hearts and what I want more than anything is to push the vending machine into the sea of His steadfast love and compassion.
We're all dirt...even the ones who think they have it right. He knows our hearts and what I want more than anything is to push the vending machine into the sea of His steadfast love and compassion.
Please pray for me to keep choosing Jesus over the blessings of this world. I just want to hear Him and do whatever He says. I've tasted and seen...and I'm intoxicated with His unending love.
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