Out of Hiding...

The clothes were still warm from the dryer as I folded them one piece at a time. 

Fold and stack. 
Fold and stack. 

I no longer think of my vocation as housekeeper/mom/wife/etc as worthless in the big scheme of things. But sometimes I'd like to do my job in some quiet and I was begging...begging Jesus to not let any of these small, very-loud, people find me. So there I was hiding in my room and straining to listen to a message on my phone being preached by a woman. God forbid. :) I could hear their little feet running across the floor above my head and held no faith that Jesus was going to answer my request for solitude. I could feel my frustration building - could feel me feeling like He didn't care. Could feel me grasping for control. 

A mother sometimes finds herself hiding or at least trying...and resenting Him much like our first mother, Eve. When we feel like He's holding out on us..."You made the earth and stars and for the LOVE can you at least keep them occupied for 15 more minutes while I listen to this sermon...it's about YOU for goodness sake!!!" our natural response is to take over. 

And the little knocks on the locked door bring you back to the present and you have a choice. For me the choice isn't always easy, I mostly want to stay hiding like Eve and choose to believe that He is keeping good from me and I have to find goodness myself. But sometimes I come out of hiding and choose to walk with Him and know that His goodness never changes no matter my circumstances. 

Now kids are in and out and I'm still folding and listening, "Why did God ask Adam, 'Where are you?' Do you think He didn't know? He knew...but Adam and Eve - they needed to say where they were…we all need to say where we're at and how we got there…because He already knows. He's just waiting for us to acknowledge that we're hiding." 

The towels in my hands became heavy and tears ran down my cheeks listening to her talk. This feminine image of God was speaking about a part of the Story the Lawman and I knew too well. Wishing we didn't know, but we knew a lot about hiding. We could have been stand-ins for the first man and woman. We know that false sense of control found that comes in hiding.

More recently we understood a little more about not hiding, but the tears in my eyes made me wonder if I had personally gotten too far out from behind the foliage of shame and pride and performance and mistrust in God's goodness - AKA control. This life is like that...in and out of the bushes.

I don't think Eve wanted to become like God...Eve just wanted to know what was going to happen in her life. She had been promised that her eyes would be "opened" if she ate of the forbidden fruit. She wanted to see what she couldn't because apparently God wasn't telling her everything. He was holding out on her...keeping goodness from her. It seemed to be true that there was more to know and control to be had. Control seemed to be worth everything to her.  I know how Eve felt.

I think it's interesting that when her eyes were "opened", Eve hid. When fear and shame were introduced to her spirit - Eve began to hide. Today we're not hiding behind fronds and tree trunks, but we do hide. We hide behind image, strategy, purpose, affluence, children, vision, impact, jobs, talents...the list is vast. Whatever will give us that false sense of security - of making this life count. 

When our eyes were opened and curses placed on our backs we knew one thing to be true - the world would eventually kill us. 

"Elizabeth, nobody gets out of here alive." It's statements like this that make me wonder if he will be a good counselor? ;) But the Lawman is right - we're all in the process of dying and it just stinks. How we respond to this truth is varied, but we all have some level of fear that we wrestle with daily. Fear is a good motivator though and she's married to control and they are the dominant feature to everything we choose to hide behind. They're the aggressive salesman offering thing after thing to put in between you and God. 

But then God comes walking through the Garden and He's calling our names...

I can't imagine the unfamiliar and terrifying feeling of fear they felt as they were hiding and hearing God calling their names, "Adam! Eve!! Where are you?" Remember that He knew where they were, but they needed to respond to Him. Fear is exactly what humans have felt when God shows up in person. I imagine it breaks His heart and then rage at Evil must set in as He sees how it keeps us separated from Him. He knows this and it's what set in motion the Cross.

In The Chronicles of Narnia someone is talking about the character who represents God, Aslan - "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." He is the King and when the King comes walking through the garden of your life the inclination is to hide because He is anything, but safe. However, He is supremely good. And He keeps inviting us to come out of hiding.

Do you remember how God rescued the Israelites from Egypt? How they were shown miracle after miracle (God building trust) and then they come to the base of a mountain in the desert. God is at the summit waiting for them to come up and fellowship. But instead of going to the top of the mountain all they can muster is the effort to send up Moses. They're grasping for control. They choose to hide behind Moses and the priesthood for the rest of their lives. For the rest of their legacy they chose control and familiarity over intimacy.

I guess I thought forever that Moses and the temple and the priesthood was always God's plan. The way things should work. But more recently I'm seeing that God chose to meet the Israelites where they were...God went digging through the garden/wilderness to find them. He will meet us where our faith can take us. He's not shaming us, He's always inviting us into intimacy. He's so very full of compassion. The Israelites needed something more familiar to them - a temple, priest, sacrifices...the way things had been in Egypt. But I wonder what would've happened on top of the mountain? Would all of their faces glowed like Moses'? Would they have each personally received a word from Him?

I always imagined God was angry at us for falling - for inviting the Evil He hates into our veins, but as a parent I know that He was more deeply disappointed than anything else - disappointed that we did not trust His goodness...and very much raging against Darkness. He knew the path we had chosen to walk and all that that choice meant. I'm certain that He grieved, but God kept calling until they came out of hiding. He kept calling...and He keeps calling you and me. 

When you come out of hiding and meet with Him on the mountain or in your bedroom folding laundry :) He speaks the truth. He doesn't promise everything will be wonderful, not at all. He speaks to you about the brokenness of the world and the Way that He's provided for us to be with Him. Forever. He doesn't remove all of the hard and all of the pain, but He instead provides Himself. Present and WITH us. Emmanuel. 

It takes faith to believe that He is good, even when He shows His goodness time and again. But He gets that - He gets that we're broken and in much need of a Savior. The Lawman and I are in the process of taking one shaky step in front of the other to go up the mountain everyday to meet with Him. And the mountain shakes at His presence sometimes and we wonder if we might die - and we might. For sure we'd love to stay at base camp and rest in the familiar ways of life as we've know it and the things we're halfway good at, but we know us - the Lawman and I would've been the ones to suggest the golden calf. That we know for sure. Mercy, Jesus.


As we're ascending we keep telling each other, "Perfect love casts out all fear..." Sometimes our fingers still close tight around what we're trying to control. But when we walk in perfect love we're no longer hiding. When we embrace that we are loved the possibilities of experiencing Him are endless. We can come out from behind the bushes and walk with Him wherever He's going. We can be at peace..."All our sins are washed away...we've been redeemed."