Hustling for Significance

Coming toward me with a warm hug I heard her, "How are you, Ami?? I haven't seen you in such a long time! Are you crazy busy too?" My sweet friend, who I only get to see at showers or other events where our paths cross, embraced me. She is beautiful and bubbly. She's lovely and she's talented and she's always sought out by others to help with whatever event or cause comes her way - she's a significant player in the Kingdom and has more talent in her pinky than I do in my whole body. Truly, truly admire her. And I hate that we never get enough space to share our hearts. But when she asked me how I was and was I "crazy busy too?" I stumbled for an answer. Shame washed over my face, "You know, I'm really not busy anymore and I don't exactly know what else to say...so yeah." Mt attempt at being honest made us both uncomfortable. She stopped and said "Oh, I guess I just thought with six kids you'd be way busier than me with only two to care for!" I smiled and lied, trying to turn us both back into the familiar territory of it being valuable to be busy, "Well, you know my two oldest are away at college, I only have one in high school and so - three little ones and their schedules are way slow...so your two teens, of course you're busy! I'll be busy again too one day once these little people grow up!!" We hugged again and kept working to set up for the shower. I walked away hating myself - I really value honesty and I had just been dishonest for the sake of not seeming insignificant. Would I ever be comfortable just being? "When will I ever be okay with not being significant?" I thought as I arranged flowers on tables.

At some point we all have to "go there" to see what's really been going on in our hearts, but the heart often gets covered up with the race for significance. We hadn't had the space to "go there" over the years because we were ravenous for significance and it's just not really fun "going there" anyway. Have you ever had someone come up and say, "What happened???" as they look down at your arms. You look down too and see bruises and you're just as surprised as they are because you had no idea they were there or how they got there, but it must have hurt? You guess? But you don't know. You don't remember. You feel crazy for not knowing how the deep purple, green and blue found its way there, but you know it is and you know it's a symptom of something deeper - internal bleeding if you will? So you start thinking and wondering how that happened and even more why didn't you notice when it did happen...that's where we were a few years ago. We knew we needed a different view to see what was really going on - we knew we had to create space to know what was causing the bruising we just didn't know how.

My husband and I both come from long lines of addicts and we are addicts too. Our drugs of choice have been success and significance. Super acceptable in any sphere. Except for Jesus' sphere - he told the two who asked if they could sit by him in Heaven, "Can you drink the cup I'm going to drink?" Kind of like "Seriously???" Nobody likes to drink the cup of servanthood and death.

For many years we sought out our drugs in the American Dream and we found them. But then we found Jesus and guess what - while these drugs we loved were never what Jesus invited his disciples in to - they have seeped their way into Christianity thousands of years ago - about the time Constantine said "If we can't beat them we'll join them!" and began to franchise Christianity. But what made it wonderful for us was that we could still climb ladders and find significance in a "godly" way - hit after hit after hit, the adrenalin rushes were keeping us going and we were "happy" too - even after decades of using. 

I look back now and see that it all came to a head when we were overseas for a summer. We had sold our car (my favorite car I have ever had BTW;), taken a large pay cut, packed our large family up and headed East to serve the nations. I want to say that Jesus was in it and I think He was because Jesus loves people and He loves the nations. But I also know that a lot of our ego was wrapped in there too and we were in a season of hustling for our significance. We spent the summer serving alongside a large group of college kids in a country where there is so much brokenness and so much pain that you cannot walk a block of the city we stayed in without being overwhelmed. 

At the end of the summer we were beyond drained. We had endured sickness, seeing our small children shoved and splattered with blood from drunks fighting, having our older kids chased my drunks, everything costing way more than we thought it would, staying awake nights praying as women were raped outside of our apartment and too many other things to list. So as we sat on the front row of the sanctuary that Sunday morning we heard the pastor honor the college kids standing before the body. He thanked them for their summer of sacrifice and servants hearts. And they were and are amazing!!! Over 400 of us clapped for these bright lights for Jesus. My family waited to be called up and honored too, but it never happened and we were leaving in two days. We were very aware that we were missing a perfect hit - one that would last for a long while. But this precious pastor just forgot and it was so out of character for him (he was mortified when he realized what had happened) that Chris and I knew it was the work of Jesus. Tears of shame running down my cheeks I somehow heard Him say, "This whole trip was for me, right? Not for the praises of man, right?" We knew it was the beginning of His ordained detox and we were fighting it with everything in us. Looking back now I want to hug that pastor and say, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!", but that day I just wanted to cry.

If you use a drug for long you need bigger and bigger hits to get the same effect. We were numb by the time we came home that summer from years of pumping our veins full of demigod. We even knew that our family was suffering, but it was okay because Jesus promised suffering and everything has a cost. It made sense to us. And the Bible even says our rewards are in Heaven and not here...so even though we didn't have abiding peace and there was constant turmoil and the yoke did not feel light and his burden easy, we kept on. But then our dear pastor saw something in the spirit and in us and called us to say it was okay to take a break. Freedom. Freedom is what he offered and I don't even know if he knew it at the time, but it was the beginning of us getting clean...one painful step at a time.

We decided to take a sabbatical the following summer. That was the beginning of us slowing down and as we did we could both see the scarring on our arms from years of using. It was so grotesque and ugly, but we knew that He found us to be exactly what He desired ~ He loves His Bride. We love what our pastor says, "There's no Plan B...the Bride is His only plan to bring the Kingdom to earth." No matter how broken we are, Jesus loves His girl.

I want to stop and say that this is NO ONES fault, but our own - being addicts. As you know, I've grown up in the Church and it always makes me angry when people get mad at her because of hurts. I prefer to call her the Bride because the word *church* makes me think of the organization that she's become, but the Bride ~ those who love Jesus ~ she is full of broken people being healed by Him and so - if you've been hurt by her you are really saying "I've been hurt by people." SURPRISE! That's been going on from the beginning and blame shifting is never going to get us anywhere. 

You'll find yourself hurting when you're around people - the church people or the not churched people...we weren't made for pain, but it's just a part of the story now. So - we were not blaming anyone in Christianity. In fact, it would be easier if we had offense toward someone because we knew how to go and clear things up; but this was a deeper work - this was an addict going cold turkey and it can make everyone that loves them (or not) uncomfortable to watch. But the first step to going clean is to admit that you have a problem. After that - when you stop using, it's just really ugly. Painfully so. It has been the hardest journey we've ever been on - loneliness (nobody can get clean for you), paranoia, anger, blaming, acceptance, hope, joy...and all worth it. It's worth it to live life in real time, pain and joy all wrapped up together in the ordinary. Brutiful, actually. :)

I'm often reminded that the Bride is a spirit and she feels and senses things. I think that's why I'm writing this post because people who live hundreds of miles away are asking how we're doing. Someone saw us the other night at a party and later said to me "Chris looked raw. Everything alright?" I responded that that was an accurate description of him right now and yeah, we're doing well. I would even say "Clean". Much like a former addict we are still not okay or safe with being anywhere near our old favorite drugs. Yet, this precious friend is prophetic and you don't have to say much. Praise. I love that she can look into my eyes and see my heart - so helpful in this raw season. So safe. But sometimes you just don't know what's going on in your heart, your head and your life as you detox and then trying to put all that into words can seem overwhelming and make you feel distant to others and others to you. It sucks, honestly. When you're getting clean you shake, you say things you wish you hadn't, you ask - beg - for another hit...or sometimes you might say "I feel like I've had the plague and I want everyone to stay away until I get over this 'sickness' - that's how I feel." said my man. He didn't have to say anything more - I knew what he meant and how he felt. 

And as you detox folks often seem to need to put you in a category to help them understand you, many times in an effort to help they'll think. For my husband he often gets labeled as having "father wounds" because of his biological dad's actions. For me I hear that I'm a lot of things that wouldn't be helpful to share here on the WWW. :) But I think that they're mostly right and I've just had to say, "Jesus is still making me new!" and I'm really not worried about how long it will take, He knows my heart. I think if we're both being honest though we would say, "We're human and like everyone else full of sin...this is just a variety that shows itself in us more often than not. We need the resurrection every day."

We've learned that His affirmation and His acceptance and His love is more whole and complete and satisfying than any other manmade drug out there. It's been worth the fight to get clean. As we try to stay clean - we wouldn't trade it for all the hard and misunderstanding it's brought our way. We get it - if others are confused it's because we have been too. We get it. Grace on us all. But what we also get is this waking up to Him that we're experiencing - it is like nothing we've ever known. It's so simple and freeing. It's what eye has not seen and ear has not heard...and our search for significance outside of His presence and love is over. It's been a long journey Home...but we're here.

I wanted to share this short story before I stop - we're sitting across from the couch in our old house with dear friends who happen to be our pastors.:) We're telling them of our plans to move closer to refugees and I say, "Jesus really loves refugees." and my friend who is like a big sisters stops and looks at me and says, "Jesus really loves you, Ami. He really, really loves you too." and tears came to my eyes. The pressure is off and I always, always forget that. But these days I think about that at some point during every day...I'll see her brilliant blue eyes and tender smile and remind myself, "He loves me too. He really, really loves me." and I'll move toward another clean day - another day of being sober of being free. Because Love does that...love sets the captives free.