Risk Factor

This has been a hard week in more ways than one. God usually allows hard things to come in *bundles* for me - I think more than anything because I'm slower on the uptake. :) Need things to be pretty black and white. He knows that I don't even notice an "Evite", I need the invitation with the RSVP card tucked inside. So today I think I had a revelation about what He's been trying to show me. You cannot assure the outcome of risks.

It all started with...

My HAIR is in a stage of crazy that I knew would come, but was surprised even still when it got here...can you say "unruly"...that's an understatement. Not to mention I feel like a boy. Bleck, bleck, BLECK!!!

Crazy hair and me in a T-shirt and pants that were stained was what I was wearing when I saw a girl I had discipled years ago. I wanted to stay in my car because I hadn't talk to this sweet girl in years. I knew the conversation would be awkward and my HAIR looked horrible! Not to mention all the things I'd taught her that I don't believe anymore. Gah!!! Shaving the head risk didn't feel worth it in those tenuous moments as I got out of the car.

These years ago were the hardest time of Chris and my married life. He had just graduated from law school and we ended up in Fort Worth with our precious children, a job he hated, personal struggles, making $25K less than selling the roofs he did before we risked everything to get this law degree i.e. OUR SALVATION; but now we were in enough law school debt to equal a mortgage. Since our goal at that time was the American Dream we quickly realized that the law school risk wasn't paying off yet...not at all.

As Chris and I began to fall in love with Jesus we also realized that He was inviting us into having more kids. I do NOT want to communicate that a large family means you love Jesus more - I hate being put into boxes so I'll just step outside that box and say ask Jesus about the size of your family. He'll show YOU, not someone else, the size of your family. This was just something He was working out in our hearts. So we had a permanent procedure reversed and babies started coming again 6 years ago. :) Risk does not begin to describe the "experimental" procedure my husband went through for us to have more babies, but it is the stuff of legends. Just know this - if someone is offering to do your vas reversal for $200 - there's a reallllly good reason. ;)

As I realized earlier this week that I was late, I was for sure I wasn't pregnant. Now way. Immaculate conception comes to mind.  So wrapping the week up I triple booked our family one night. Very humbling to me. I LOVE schedules and planners. I love being organized. But I didn't know at the time that I was pregnant with number 7 - did you know your brain shrinks when you get pregnant. For real. It shrinks. And mine has now shrunk 8 times. No words. It supposed to grow back, but I don't know...after 8 times??? The risk to live life with people means you might triple book. You might have to tell 6 people that you're so sorry for communicating that they're not important enough to remember. There's risk in loving. :)

I smile when young girls say "I love your life! I want to be like you!" Really?? :) I smile because what they see toady is a large - loving family, a husband who is an attorney, a historic home, an older woman who feels more confident in being who she is and a Peace that comes from years of seeing Him be faithful.

What they don't know is that I married a 19yo boy with a beat up Volkswagon and a bag of dreams with an embryonic - very hard to communicate love for his wife. She doesn't know she's saying that to be like me she wants to get pregnant three months into marriage at the age of 20, give up any idea of an education, career, move from fixer upper to fixer upper, drive old cars, shop at thrift stores, learn how to live on food stamps, see another baby that she loves push her dreams into the next decade and take risk after risk after risk to see the dreams of family, marriage and love grow into what it is today.

I imagine there are a number of 19yo boys out there with promise and love to offer girls their age and not many willing to say "Yes" because it's too risky. Not many people can see the reward of risks taken before they take them, I know I didn't. I just knew that this boy brought peace to my heart. And I wouldn't change a thing. Do it all over again - even those nights of crying myself to sleep because He always asks more than I feel like I can give.

Looking at the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday, I was immediately overwhelmed. I know what it means to raise children the way He has asked me to raise them and the cost it will bring me. I cannot tell you that I jumped up and down excited. Shocked - yes. :) But as I sat there surrendering everything to Him again and remembering that He is attracted to weakness I smiled. I smiled because I remember someone offering to pay for my firstborn to be aborted. The risk I took to choose that baby, who is a man now, over my dreams was rewarded today as he spoke truth to my heart. Some risks offer payback so great you forget that it was a risk at all.

Because on the back end of RISK, risk doesn't seem to fit anymore.

I have chosen NOT to risk more times than I'd like to admit. And His kindness has always been there in the end. He knows how scary it is to live in this world. So here's a shout out to everyone who's taken a risk!! Whether you see the reward yet or not, you are brave. You are fearless as you step into the places where Jesus is asking you to let the Kingdom of Heaven touch this Earth. Go for it!!! Write a story you'd like to read! The risk is worth it!!! I promise!!!