Hello and Goodbye, Little One
Someone asked me today if the loss of this baby was different from the first baby I lost...
I remember being the mother of a two and half year old and a nine month old when I learned I was pregnant, again. I was twenty-four myself and we lived in section 8 housing. My husband had just graduated from a university that December and was selling roofs so that we could save money for our first home. The positive pregnancy test was a shock to say the least (I'm aware that after you've said you're "shocked" 8 times it loses it's punch...but it's true - we were shocked!!!:). But we were full of hope and being in your early twenties you still have a lot of years ahead of you. If you don't feel invincible at 24, you're for sure not afraid of much.
We found a house and it was perfect. It was a ranch home built in the 60's, sat on a large, treed lot and needed fixing up - which is exactly what we wanted. (The Lawman and I are addicted to the word "Potential") It had been on the market for well over a year and we felt the buyers were motivated. We called our realtor and asked her to make an offer. Excited would be an understatement for how we felt. My parents had moved around a lot because of being in the ministry and my husband came from a broken home. Looking back we both would say that buying this first property was something more to us than just your normal first time home buying experience. We were longing for legacy.
We made the offer and were in the waiting stage to see how the owners would respond. I tried to stay busy and it wasn't hard being into my second trimester and mothering two little ones all day. It was bath time one night and I was washing two squirmy little people when I noticed something was wrong with my baby. I tried not to worry, but called my OBGYN in the morning and went in for a sonogram.
There's a movie made about my OB, his character was played by Richard Greer. It's called "Dr. T and the Women." I've never seen it, but heard it's pretty accurate. His real name was Dr. Fleming. Today we would call him progressive. I had delivered my first child via c-section. When I transferred my care to Dr. F I assumed I'd be having another c-section. But he wanted me to try and have my baby "naturally" and I was devastated. I just wanted them to be cut out of me. Nice and clean and pain free. I think Dr. F knew that his years of medical wisdom might be helpful to my 22 years of not too much experience.
Dr. F had North Dallas clients. Clients that had enough money to buy the sonogram machine, much less pay the $200 for the exam. But we barely had enough money for the down payment on our first home we'd just made the offer on that week and through tears I told Dr. F I couldn't come in for the sonogram to see what was going on. I love this next part, because this is where people make an impact on others and never see the reward. Dr. F said "Come in today after the office closes and I'll do the sonogram myself, I won't charge you." Tears even today at his kindness.
The sonogram confirmed that the baby was dead and had stopped growing at 13 weeks. Dr. F cried with us and suggested a D&C. We obviously didn't have the money for that either. So he sent us home and said - "Go home and have the baby there. Come back in when you're done and we'll check to make sure everything is out and okay."That weekend as I labored and had my baby at home we waited to hear about our home. Would you believe that after a year and a half of sitting on the market that house had another offer made the very week we made our offer?!?!?!
This is where I fell in love with cats. I'm not joking. If I was going to lose a baby and a house in the very same week I was going to go and get a cat because our apts didn't allow big dogs and I don't like small dogs. So a cat it was to be. I come from a long line of cat "haters" with the exception of my mom. She must have passed down some cat loving DNA, because sweet little Maggie made her way into our little apartment and hearts and healed something broken. We loved that cat for years.
Our precious realtor talked to the sellers of the house and somehow we ended up being the proud owners of our first home. Restoring the house and simple things like caring for a yard and having neighbors and having another baby - who is today, 15 - during our time there brings precious memories.
Fast forward 16 years and about 3 weeks ago....
I'm late getting home. I take the pregnancy test I had just bought at my local market and I run upstairs after two of my teens see the box. "Is that a PREGNANCY test??!!!!" STINK! I hate it when they know I'm taking a test. They're so nosey!!! ;) The baby is in the bathroom with me as I take the test. It looks negative. Relief!!! I put the test on top of an armoire and take the baby by the hand. I double check he test. Positive. Oh, Jesus. Flooded with a million questions. A million. Even in the midst of the feelings of being overwhelmed I welcome this baby into my heart. Over the weeks to follow I talk to the baby and look at maternity clothes and check the status of baby's development. and pin baby room ideas to Pintrest board "No. 7" and find excitement growing. And I remember what I heard as I walked out of the bathroom "You will lose this baby."
Now if you've heard Jesus' voice for long you know that He is kind. So hearing things like "You will lose this baby." are an invitation to me to wrestle like Moses did regarding the Israelites - "You can't just KILL them!" - to change His mind. Every time I am pregnant I fear losing my baby. I think most moms have that fear. And I always hear "You will not lose this child." But not this time. No matter how many times I asked I continued to hear silence. And it's louder than anything you'll ever hear.
When I was younger I would feel feelings of guilt about the first baby I lost. I was overwhelmed then too. I felt that a boy and girl were enough for me. So when the baby did not thrive, I was sure that it was me who had caused it to stop growing. That's a common thought - that God is punishing you by taking your baby. That just doesn't square with all of the people who HATE their unborn children and carry them to term and all of us who LOVE them and lose them along the way. And it discounts God's kindness and how He allows hard things to happen to us because He desires our hearts - He knows what will draw us to Him. A hand written invitation to intimacy. Years of seeing Him work and how absolutely FULL of compassion He is - I knew that when I started to bleed yesterday that He was still kind and still FULL of compassion no matter the outcome and that my overwhelmed feelings as a mother of soon to be 7 had nothing to do with the loss of this child. He was inviting me - again - to trust His goodness.
I think the harder part of this loss has been watching my children grieve. My oldest daughter and my 6yo daughter have cried with me. My college boy sending me text that made me cry because of the kindness. My 15 yo hugging me and showing the kind of compassion Jesus must have shown. It's hard to grieve yourself, but watching your children grieve is a whole other level of pain. But there are just some pains a parent cannot soothe.
My 6yo had some listening prayer yesterday. She said in a solemn voice "I don't like it when God doesn't tell me what I want Him to tell me. I want Him to say what I want Him to say." This was after she told me that He spoke to her that "The baby might be okay and it might not be okay, Laura Beth." I understand. I feel the very same way many times.
Throughout the night I would get up and see that more of this pregnancy was exiting my body. It's the most out of control feeling I've ever had - well, that and when Chris drives on ice and snow, hate that too. ;) In fact, I told Chris that this baby probably sensed the "crazy" we've got going on around here and begged it's little way back into the Peace of Heaven!! ;)
But what I do know is that this loss has caused me to press into Jesus more than I have before. I trust Him more and more with the lives of my children. And I think it will be easy to find my kids in Heaven because no matter where they are in this Universe...if you know them, you know that it's easy to pick a Burr kid out of a crowd of thousands. I've got two dancing in a crowd of millions before the Throne of God and I feel Him look at them and say, "Yep, that's a Burr kid alright. Welcome Home."
I remember being the mother of a two and half year old and a nine month old when I learned I was pregnant, again. I was twenty-four myself and we lived in section 8 housing. My husband had just graduated from a university that December and was selling roofs so that we could save money for our first home. The positive pregnancy test was a shock to say the least (I'm aware that after you've said you're "shocked" 8 times it loses it's punch...but it's true - we were shocked!!!:). But we were full of hope and being in your early twenties you still have a lot of years ahead of you. If you don't feel invincible at 24, you're for sure not afraid of much.
We found a house and it was perfect. It was a ranch home built in the 60's, sat on a large, treed lot and needed fixing up - which is exactly what we wanted. (The Lawman and I are addicted to the word "Potential") It had been on the market for well over a year and we felt the buyers were motivated. We called our realtor and asked her to make an offer. Excited would be an understatement for how we felt. My parents had moved around a lot because of being in the ministry and my husband came from a broken home. Looking back we both would say that buying this first property was something more to us than just your normal first time home buying experience. We were longing for legacy.
We made the offer and were in the waiting stage to see how the owners would respond. I tried to stay busy and it wasn't hard being into my second trimester and mothering two little ones all day. It was bath time one night and I was washing two squirmy little people when I noticed something was wrong with my baby. I tried not to worry, but called my OBGYN in the morning and went in for a sonogram.
There's a movie made about my OB, his character was played by Richard Greer. It's called "Dr. T and the Women." I've never seen it, but heard it's pretty accurate. His real name was Dr. Fleming. Today we would call him progressive. I had delivered my first child via c-section. When I transferred my care to Dr. F I assumed I'd be having another c-section. But he wanted me to try and have my baby "naturally" and I was devastated. I just wanted them to be cut out of me. Nice and clean and pain free. I think Dr. F knew that his years of medical wisdom might be helpful to my 22 years of not too much experience.
Dr. F had North Dallas clients. Clients that had enough money to buy the sonogram machine, much less pay the $200 for the exam. But we barely had enough money for the down payment on our first home we'd just made the offer on that week and through tears I told Dr. F I couldn't come in for the sonogram to see what was going on. I love this next part, because this is where people make an impact on others and never see the reward. Dr. F said "Come in today after the office closes and I'll do the sonogram myself, I won't charge you." Tears even today at his kindness.
The sonogram confirmed that the baby was dead and had stopped growing at 13 weeks. Dr. F cried with us and suggested a D&C. We obviously didn't have the money for that either. So he sent us home and said - "Go home and have the baby there. Come back in when you're done and we'll check to make sure everything is out and okay."That weekend as I labored and had my baby at home we waited to hear about our home. Would you believe that after a year and a half of sitting on the market that house had another offer made the very week we made our offer?!?!?!
This is where I fell in love with cats. I'm not joking. If I was going to lose a baby and a house in the very same week I was going to go and get a cat because our apts didn't allow big dogs and I don't like small dogs. So a cat it was to be. I come from a long line of cat "haters" with the exception of my mom. She must have passed down some cat loving DNA, because sweet little Maggie made her way into our little apartment and hearts and healed something broken. We loved that cat for years.
Our precious realtor talked to the sellers of the house and somehow we ended up being the proud owners of our first home. Restoring the house and simple things like caring for a yard and having neighbors and having another baby - who is today, 15 - during our time there brings precious memories.
Fast forward 16 years and about 3 weeks ago....
I'm late getting home. I take the pregnancy test I had just bought at my local market and I run upstairs after two of my teens see the box. "Is that a PREGNANCY test??!!!!" STINK! I hate it when they know I'm taking a test. They're so nosey!!! ;) The baby is in the bathroom with me as I take the test. It looks negative. Relief!!! I put the test on top of an armoire and take the baby by the hand. I double check he test. Positive. Oh, Jesus. Flooded with a million questions. A million. Even in the midst of the feelings of being overwhelmed I welcome this baby into my heart. Over the weeks to follow I talk to the baby and look at maternity clothes and check the status of baby's development. and pin baby room ideas to Pintrest board "No. 7" and find excitement growing. And I remember what I heard as I walked out of the bathroom "You will lose this baby."
Now if you've heard Jesus' voice for long you know that He is kind. So hearing things like "You will lose this baby." are an invitation to me to wrestle like Moses did regarding the Israelites - "You can't just KILL them!" - to change His mind. Every time I am pregnant I fear losing my baby. I think most moms have that fear. And I always hear "You will not lose this child." But not this time. No matter how many times I asked I continued to hear silence. And it's louder than anything you'll ever hear.
When I was younger I would feel feelings of guilt about the first baby I lost. I was overwhelmed then too. I felt that a boy and girl were enough for me. So when the baby did not thrive, I was sure that it was me who had caused it to stop growing. That's a common thought - that God is punishing you by taking your baby. That just doesn't square with all of the people who HATE their unborn children and carry them to term and all of us who LOVE them and lose them along the way. And it discounts God's kindness and how He allows hard things to happen to us because He desires our hearts - He knows what will draw us to Him. A hand written invitation to intimacy. Years of seeing Him work and how absolutely FULL of compassion He is - I knew that when I started to bleed yesterday that He was still kind and still FULL of compassion no matter the outcome and that my overwhelmed feelings as a mother of soon to be 7 had nothing to do with the loss of this child. He was inviting me - again - to trust His goodness.
I think the harder part of this loss has been watching my children grieve. My oldest daughter and my 6yo daughter have cried with me. My college boy sending me text that made me cry because of the kindness. My 15 yo hugging me and showing the kind of compassion Jesus must have shown. It's hard to grieve yourself, but watching your children grieve is a whole other level of pain. But there are just some pains a parent cannot soothe.
My 6yo had some listening prayer yesterday. She said in a solemn voice "I don't like it when God doesn't tell me what I want Him to tell me. I want Him to say what I want Him to say." This was after she told me that He spoke to her that "The baby might be okay and it might not be okay, Laura Beth." I understand. I feel the very same way many times.
Throughout the night I would get up and see that more of this pregnancy was exiting my body. It's the most out of control feeling I've ever had - well, that and when Chris drives on ice and snow, hate that too. ;) In fact, I told Chris that this baby probably sensed the "crazy" we've got going on around here and begged it's little way back into the Peace of Heaven!! ;)
But what I do know is that this loss has caused me to press into Jesus more than I have before. I trust Him more and more with the lives of my children. And I think it will be easy to find my kids in Heaven because no matter where they are in this Universe...if you know them, you know that it's easy to pick a Burr kid out of a crowd of thousands. I've got two dancing in a crowd of millions before the Throne of God and I feel Him look at them and say, "Yep, that's a Burr kid alright. Welcome Home."
Ami, this makes me cry, too. I'm so sorry for this loss. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteSister-
ReplyDeleteYou're vulnerability changes lives. I love you and cannot wait to meet two more Burrs who we get to spend FOREVER with....
Love,
Beth
Ami, I am sending besitos all over your sweet face!!! My heart aches for yours. We to have two boys running around the Throne of God and know that we have that assurance that one day we will find them HOME. As the word says you Overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of your Testimony! Today I need to overcome!!
ReplyDeleteDon't mean to take over your blog just want to encourage YOU.
Before Raul and I were serving the Lord we had 2 miscarriages in that same year. This was before Sarah. I did not have Jesue to turn to so I turned all my pain, confusion, hate and blame in a deep hole in my heart. Mostly blamed my husband for his drinking, but my feelings were to ugly to even let them get out.
This was something that we never ever spoke of with each other or anyone else. Never knew that when we fell in Love with Jesus He would, a little at a time, scrape off all the uglyness in my heart. He used Sarah to bring healing to both Raul and my heart.
She was 4 years old when one day woke up one Saturday morning and came to our room and said she had a dream. We asked her to tell us about it.
She went on to say that in her dream Jesus came to her and said follow me I am going to show you something. As she walked hand in hand with Jesus he pointed to right side and said, you see the two little boys playing in the water with sail boats, they are your two little brothers and you will get to meet them one day. Sarah said, to me one looks just like you mommy! (oh dear ;>)
She said that she just continued to walk with Jesus until she woke up!! Out of the mouth of Babes!! Well as you can imagine Raul and I wept and every tear brought cleansing and healing to the pain that we had never dealt with and was still deep within our hearts.
Jesus can and does go to every inch of our being to bring healing, can not hide from Him. Jesus is our All in All!!!
My doctor told us that both times I was carring boys, had D&C. We never told anyone.
I join hands with you my precious sister in drawing closer and closer to our KING. Keep bloging, you are inspiring to us all. Love you, Chris and all the little Burrs!!!
Rosalie Marquez from The
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