Doing Life Well, or Doing Life Real
She sat in my living room listening to the story of our leaving church. "We did our best to leave well." Quiet stretched out and hung in the air with the exception of the highway racing by a block away. Listening to my own breathing I hear her say, "Are you weary of doing everything 'well'?" I smiled and shook my head like I didn't know what she meant. I hear her kind sigh and then, "Do you think you could stop trying to do everything 'well' and just do it REAL?"
There have been several times in my life where the seconds on the clock seem to stop in a very literal sense. As if the moments I'll be alive are stretched out to a thin place like a rubber band being pulled to the breaking point - like time has broken into another dimension. When these experiences come along all of my senses are heightened and I slow down.
Tears burned my eyes and I didn't know what to say, but I felt the intensity of the pain I'd been hoping I wouldn't have to experience. Freedom does that to your heart when you've been bound up - it brings pain - as the ropes begin to loosen and circulation starts to pump into the veins of your spirit that were once cut off. The sensations can be overwhelming in a very real physical sense.
Christian's are taught to disconnect from their body - as if their bodies are evil and should be avoided. Pain and negative sensations and feelings, certainly not from Him. However, when you allow yourself to be a person - a real messy person - you connect to yourself in a way you might never have before. And it will cost you greatly and it will bless you greatly. You might even understand Him in the garden begging for another way, or see Him crying out loudly on the cross to His dad. Or see Him backing down the religious when they said the young men He was walking with were "alcoholics", but not really - they were persons rejoicing that He'd come and found them. And that He let whores, like us all, pour out their most precious gift on His feet and clean them with her tears. You might understand a lot of things you hadn't before.
I sat there quietly trying to absorb what she'd just offered. This friend is okay with silence - when you find someone comfortable with silence you have found a treasure. I remember her and her husband being called "dead weight", remember being warned about associating with them...goodness, now I knew why. What she offered was going to cost us everything that was left of our church careers. Everything.
The scandalous, upside down way of living and relating did not fit well into a structure that requires the fuel of power, the numbing drug of control and moving the ball forward at the cost of relationship. You can grow and advance a vision in a million ways if you first establish the culture that everyone will have to "die to yourself"...you can even back it up in scripture. But I was beginning to wonder if this dying might not be about the death of your own worth and value as a demi-god put here to save the world...or at least your local church.
What this beautiful woman suggested - the inefficiency of process, the mess of being a person, the unmet goals of an organization in lieu of the slow pace of caring for souls...was a higher cost than I'd ever paid. The cost that was only going to get paid by a Savior's death, burial and resurrection. I would have to stop trying to be the messiah I had always been in my faith journey.
The tears began to role down my cheeks because I couldn't fight it anymore. Just could not be my own savior in this spiritual narrative any longer.
Even though I had no idea at the time, there would be no going back after that day...giving "my best" while hoping I'd be accepted and valued by others had already lost it's grip in marriage, parenting, friendship and now it was losing it's grip on my heart regarding church too. I was too tired to try and hold onto to it any longer. Letting go was going to happen whether I was ready or not.The first step to this freedom she talked about required me to open my clenched hands and let go of something I obsess over - being understood. It's the very thing I hate the most - being misunderstood. I'm okay with disagreement, but misunderstanding can keep me awake at night.
Do you ever wish you could go back in time and talk to yourself? I love what one of my favorite teachers says, "If I could go back thirty years to that younger version of myself and tell her something...I wouldn't tell her a thing." It's true - there is so much beauty in the pain and of this journey, you can see now as an older self, that you'd be taking away a gift. The gift of discovering who you are and how He meets you. The deep colors of pain and suffering weave their way through the tapestries of your life in a way that the easy, simple times cannot. Pain and suffering are not a part of Heaven, but they were a part of Jesus' life and they are a part of every other human being too. #freedom2beaperson
I was sitting outside yesterday on my half of ninety birthday. Looking at the bulbs pushing their way up through the ground in our yard, ready to bloom while me and my mom cannot figure out what these hundreds of blooms might be. That's how I feel - I feel like I've pushed my way up through the dark burial grounds of the soil of my faith. Pushed up through, but sitting here at forty-five and I have no idea what I might be - I'll be surprised as anyone else. What's interesting to me is that I'm okay with not knowing. Freedom will require you not know what's coming and being okay with that fact.
My faith today is fairly simple. I simply know He loves me and that I love Him, I know that He's with me and I know that I cannot give anyone what I'm not willing to give myself first. Compassion, acceptance, grace, and more grace - these are few of the things that I'm able to give these days. It's a simple faith and a hard one too...I can see now that I cannot save myself or anyone else. But I can be present, I can cry and rejoice with people I love and I can be a voice sometimes for those whom religion seems to absorb energy from systemically abusing. I can be a wife and mom and take the greatest joy in my life from that - from being present for the gift of their lives.
Freedom will cost you, it will. But it will bring along the breathtaking beauty of the stars strung across the darkest night. It will.
This past fall we were on our farm for dinner and a birthday party. The stars were out and the camp fire glowing and country music playing. We were there with dearest friends who had just weathered one hell of a storm with church at the epicenter.
Our kids were laughing, I was getting food ready and Chris was stoking the fire when I noticed them dancing slow. Watching them dance is one of my favorite things, but I turned around quickly before the tears fell. They were two-stepping under the stars to a song about lasting love. I knew what it had cost them to be where they were that day, together and stronger in who they were and what they mean to God. I knew the things that they had walked through and the way they had found Him as the anchor in the storm. Some times freedom cost people you love more than you want them to pay too...but when their dance begins you'll fight tears because of the sacred beauty of resurrection. Promise.
If you're wondering about the freedom He offers - wondering if it's worth the cost? Yes, yes it is worth every cost. You'll be very different on the other side of this journey, but in a deeply beautiful way. You'll walk with different people than you are now too, but in a deeper way than you do with the people you walk with now. Impact? Nah - you'll realize you can only love a handful really well. But get this - you'll be free because where the Spirit of God is, well...there's freedom waiting for you. This freedom will cost you you being the messiah, you'll have to die to that idea. But honestly, there is no other place to be than with Him anyways...so go ahead and surrender to it. I'll be here with some other raggamuffins in much need of a Savior waiting to throw you a resurrection party - a party saying goodbye to the soul weary, exhausted old you who tried to save yourself and everyone else and we'll help take off your grave clothes and see Him waiting for the first dance at your wedding and we'll cry because it'll be so beautiful. Promise.
There have been several times in my life where the seconds on the clock seem to stop in a very literal sense. As if the moments I'll be alive are stretched out to a thin place like a rubber band being pulled to the breaking point - like time has broken into another dimension. When these experiences come along all of my senses are heightened and I slow down.
Tears burned my eyes and I didn't know what to say, but I felt the intensity of the pain I'd been hoping I wouldn't have to experience. Freedom does that to your heart when you've been bound up - it brings pain - as the ropes begin to loosen and circulation starts to pump into the veins of your spirit that were once cut off. The sensations can be overwhelming in a very real physical sense.
Christian's are taught to disconnect from their body - as if their bodies are evil and should be avoided. Pain and negative sensations and feelings, certainly not from Him. However, when you allow yourself to be a person - a real messy person - you connect to yourself in a way you might never have before. And it will cost you greatly and it will bless you greatly. You might even understand Him in the garden begging for another way, or see Him crying out loudly on the cross to His dad. Or see Him backing down the religious when they said the young men He was walking with were "alcoholics", but not really - they were persons rejoicing that He'd come and found them. And that He let whores, like us all, pour out their most precious gift on His feet and clean them with her tears. You might understand a lot of things you hadn't before.
I sat there quietly trying to absorb what she'd just offered. This friend is okay with silence - when you find someone comfortable with silence you have found a treasure. I remember her and her husband being called "dead weight", remember being warned about associating with them...goodness, now I knew why. What she offered was going to cost us everything that was left of our church careers. Everything.
The scandalous, upside down way of living and relating did not fit well into a structure that requires the fuel of power, the numbing drug of control and moving the ball forward at the cost of relationship. You can grow and advance a vision in a million ways if you first establish the culture that everyone will have to "die to yourself"...you can even back it up in scripture. But I was beginning to wonder if this dying might not be about the death of your own worth and value as a demi-god put here to save the world...or at least your local church.
What this beautiful woman suggested - the inefficiency of process, the mess of being a person, the unmet goals of an organization in lieu of the slow pace of caring for souls...was a higher cost than I'd ever paid. The cost that was only going to get paid by a Savior's death, burial and resurrection. I would have to stop trying to be the messiah I had always been in my faith journey.
- The fundamental messiah striving to stay off the Naughty List with my good behavior so Santa Clause God would bless me and mine.
- The missional messiah who would die enough and live simply enough and outwardly enough so that others might live.
- The faith living messiah who could line up the spiritual worm holes to God and heal everyone and proclaim their destinies.
The tears began to role down my cheeks because I couldn't fight it anymore. Just could not be my own savior in this spiritual narrative any longer.
Even though I had no idea at the time, there would be no going back after that day...giving "my best" while hoping I'd be accepted and valued by others had already lost it's grip in marriage, parenting, friendship and now it was losing it's grip on my heart regarding church too. I was too tired to try and hold onto to it any longer. Letting go was going to happen whether I was ready or not.The first step to this freedom she talked about required me to open my clenched hands and let go of something I obsess over - being understood. It's the very thing I hate the most - being misunderstood. I'm okay with disagreement, but misunderstanding can keep me awake at night.
Do you ever wish you could go back in time and talk to yourself? I love what one of my favorite teachers says, "If I could go back thirty years to that younger version of myself and tell her something...I wouldn't tell her a thing." It's true - there is so much beauty in the pain and of this journey, you can see now as an older self, that you'd be taking away a gift. The gift of discovering who you are and how He meets you. The deep colors of pain and suffering weave their way through the tapestries of your life in a way that the easy, simple times cannot. Pain and suffering are not a part of Heaven, but they were a part of Jesus' life and they are a part of every other human being too. #freedom2beaperson
I was sitting outside yesterday on my half of ninety birthday. Looking at the bulbs pushing their way up through the ground in our yard, ready to bloom while me and my mom cannot figure out what these hundreds of blooms might be. That's how I feel - I feel like I've pushed my way up through the dark burial grounds of the soil of my faith. Pushed up through, but sitting here at forty-five and I have no idea what I might be - I'll be surprised as anyone else. What's interesting to me is that I'm okay with not knowing. Freedom will require you not know what's coming and being okay with that fact.
My faith today is fairly simple. I simply know He loves me and that I love Him, I know that He's with me and I know that I cannot give anyone what I'm not willing to give myself first. Compassion, acceptance, grace, and more grace - these are few of the things that I'm able to give these days. It's a simple faith and a hard one too...I can see now that I cannot save myself or anyone else. But I can be present, I can cry and rejoice with people I love and I can be a voice sometimes for those whom religion seems to absorb energy from systemically abusing. I can be a wife and mom and take the greatest joy in my life from that - from being present for the gift of their lives.
Freedom will cost you, it will. But it will bring along the breathtaking beauty of the stars strung across the darkest night. It will.
This past fall we were on our farm for dinner and a birthday party. The stars were out and the camp fire glowing and country music playing. We were there with dearest friends who had just weathered one hell of a storm with church at the epicenter.
Our kids were laughing, I was getting food ready and Chris was stoking the fire when I noticed them dancing slow. Watching them dance is one of my favorite things, but I turned around quickly before the tears fell. They were two-stepping under the stars to a song about lasting love. I knew what it had cost them to be where they were that day, together and stronger in who they were and what they mean to God. I knew the things that they had walked through and the way they had found Him as the anchor in the storm. Some times freedom cost people you love more than you want them to pay too...but when their dance begins you'll fight tears because of the sacred beauty of resurrection. Promise.
If you're wondering about the freedom He offers - wondering if it's worth the cost? Yes, yes it is worth every cost. You'll be very different on the other side of this journey, but in a deeply beautiful way. You'll walk with different people than you are now too, but in a deeper way than you do with the people you walk with now. Impact? Nah - you'll realize you can only love a handful really well. But get this - you'll be free because where the Spirit of God is, well...there's freedom waiting for you. This freedom will cost you you being the messiah, you'll have to die to that idea. But honestly, there is no other place to be than with Him anyways...so go ahead and surrender to it. I'll be here with some other raggamuffins in much need of a Savior waiting to throw you a resurrection party - a party saying goodbye to the soul weary, exhausted old you who tried to save yourself and everyone else and we'll help take off your grave clothes and see Him waiting for the first dance at your wedding and we'll cry because it'll be so beautiful. Promise.
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