Coming Home and Loving

The Lawman and I took a walk across the pedestrian bridge here in Chatt last night. It stretches it's 2,376 feet across the beautiful Tennessee river and as the sun sinks behind the mountains it's quite spectacular. I'd decided to wear a light cardigan on our outing which just seems so foreign to me as the first week of July comes to an end and evening temps bring a chill.  We stopped several times on our walk to let the cool summer breeze dance it's way around us and into the sunset when the Lawman asked, "Are you glad?" I knew what he meant - am I glad we moved here? I told him that I was so glad...so very glad. Glad for the relief, for the dreams realized and I was glad for all of the hard before it too. 

We made our way to the Milk and Honey coffee shop. The Lawman asked about the source of their honey and I smiled wondering if anyone had ever asked that question...not to mention asking for the name and number of the owner of the hives that source the honey. I love him. He says he feels like we've come home. I settled into a booth and responded to a text from a dear friend who just received hard news about her health. It made my heart ache, but joy was still there bringing hope for her healing. Joy and sorrow holding hands. 

I'm no expert, but I'm learning that all of the beautiful and hard emotions in life are more radiant together. It's better together. If you're going to attempt to follow Jesus he promises all of them - and He promises to be with us too...in it no matter how hard or how hard we think our life might be at present. 

The older you get you run into folks like the new bride publicly declaring adoration for her man after walking through the hard conflict and resolution of not getting their bedroom painted last weekend. Sometimes I'm like the older couples in the room with raised eyebrows looking at the floor smiling because we know that so much more hard is headed the newlyweds way. Knowing the harder parts of life will only accentuate the good times, but also none of them wants to spoil the ignorant bliss the new couple shares. I wonder if God is like the older couples looking at me sometimes. "Yes, Ami...you've walked through hard and you'll walk through harder, but I'll be with you no matter. No matter."

Used to I pursued circumstantial happiness found in being a good Christian, the same kind of happiness people find who live what Jesus called the prodigal life - both based in finding our happiness in the circumstances of our life. I think it's what Jesus was talking about to all of the people following all of the rules, like the older brother in the Prodigal story - living the "good life"? Could He have been offering them the freedom they knew would cost more than the false securities of following all the rules and godliness? Makes you wonder...makes you wonder if there's more to life than the pursuit of happiness. 

I'm not suggesting - just in case we might be wondering - that we live ungodly lives. I just think it's not the point as much as we make it the point in Christianity. I think Jesus is much more pleased with the alcoholic divorce' that knows their life isn't perfect, but they show up to help the homeless and serve the precious gay man dying with AIDS...more pleased with them than He ever was with me taking my kids to church and memorizing scripture and leading training schools and small groups because that's what good Christians do. Just sayin', y'all. Remember the sheep and the goats? Matt 25:31-46

My walk with Jesus has been a journey. All of our walks are a journey. As I moved away from my faith being about morality to living so strung thin because I wanted to be in the "elite" of Christendom gained by all of my service, my walk became more about Him. I became dependent on the joy found only in His presence ~ I'm the first to admit that it's intoxicating. Because I deal/struggle with a lot of pride I very quickly moved to living life like "I'm here with Jesus - right here in His presence...you should come in too! It's so awesome! Stinks you haven't figured out how to stay in His presence like me here's how you do it!!!" Gag. 

It's so funny, but both living life for either happiness found in how our day might be going or the joy found in His presence are still focused on us - on us and what we need to be happy and joyful. Not to mention that we hold the controls to both of those ways of living...not a lot of surrender in that kind of living. Which to me is the crux of following Jesus...surrender to His will instead of my own. It's part of the process and I'm not judging anyone in those places, I'm just so thankful Jesus didn't live like that, that He decided to come and be with us rather than staying in the presence of His father because He was happier/more joyful. I'm so deeply grateful He came to give me and everyone else Life through His sacrifice.

I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm here to love people in a sacrificial way that points them to God. However, it took me giving myself permission to find myself, to be on this journey, to have anything authentic to sacrifice. You can't give what you don't know you have to begin with - not really. It's the difference between loving from a place of desire rather than duty. Loving Him more than your kids and moving across the country because of that Love even though you know you're a mess and you'll be the one the most surprised if He can love others through you and all of your brokenness. And besides people have done WAY harder than that. 

When you try to love this way you might not be happy a lot or always bask in the presence of Him wishing others would join you. Sometimes you'll be weeping in Gethsemane begging for another way. Or you may be on a cross and not feel Him anywhere near while you watch the skies rip open from His grief of the separation. But dear one you'll know Him and see Him in others in ways you never ever thought possible. Love can't help, but come pouring out when you know Him in this way. And pouring it out will leave you empty and longing to be filled by Him one more time. It will make you shift your energies from growing your personal walk or a church or a family to going out where people don't know Him and watching their hearts wake up to the Great Romance. 

It's this love that compels us to be honest when someone asks "So what brings yall to Chattanooga?" My gut starts to churn because I want to shy away from the real reason. Right or wrong the Lawman and I have decided we cant do spin or strategy anymore when it comes to sharing our love for Him. It just doesn't feel comfortable anymore to "hem and haw" around the truth as they say here. Embracing the story about scattering seed and trusting Him to bring the harvest has relieved all the pressure to sell Jesus to people and get them into my church. I take a deep breath and say "Do you want the PC answer or the real one?"

Everyone so far has asked to hear the "real reason" and I wonder if they regret it when we say "We really love Jesus and He asked us to come here." It hangs in the air and depending on the people, various responses come out of their mouth with a warm southern drawl. Tears are usually forming in my eyes as they process our answer, because anymore I can't say His name without crying. Learning to love Him from a place of not hoping to get anything out of Him has changed me - changed everything.

The most common response people have after asking us about our move is, "Oh. Well I go to Such and Such church." I always laugh while the tears still streak down my cheeks because the next question they ask is where we go to church and we don't and I just feel compassion because there just isn't a box we can be neatly placed inside. One sweet neighbor said, "What brand arrrrre yall?" I laughed out loud and said, "Oh, just the Jesus lovin' kind." 

They're standing there thinking "Who loves Jesus and moves across the country because they think He asked them to and doesn't attend a church??";) Hi!!!! I can see them looking at my tattoo, back to the tears running down my cheeks, back to my "too big" family, to listening to me talk about how "following Jesus is crazy, but so worth it." they hear me asking them over for dinner and saying "Do ya'll drink?"  after I tell them we bought a farm and house in Chatt and I just want to pull them close, hug them and say "Stop looking for the box I fit into...I can't find it either. The freakin' pressure is off...all of us."

Yall, I just love you so much. Even the ones who read this blog and think otherwise...I'm willing for you to hate me now if you'll one day ask Him "Is there more freedom than I thought? Is all of this about Loving You and others?" I'm willing to keep my big mouth open and talking if one day something I say might bring you freedom. Me freedom. All of us the Freedom that's only found where His spirit is...it's the pearl of great price - loving Him and being loved by Him. Enough to make you want to sell everything to have it. Promise. 

It'd good to be home...really good to be home here in Tennessee and in our skin. Really good.