A Long Post on: Pain, Communication, Love and Being a Person

"They said they can't lease us the farm house." came out with a sigh. The Lawman leaned back against the counter still breathing hard after biking home from work. He looked at me steady with a concerned smile on his face. "Well." was all I could muster. We're under contract on 47 acres of land in Tennessee and the owner had originally suggested that we could rent the home he grew up in a half a mile from our land while we build our home. And we move in eight weeks. I let the sadness do it's work - let myself feel the disappointment. Inside I smiled...I had grown. Given myself permission to be disappointed over something very small in the scheme of global pain.

I woke up in the small hours of the night this morning. I'm worried. I used to feel a lot of shame for worrying because as a follower of Jesus we're told not to. Jesus Himself tells us not to. But I am and I'm okay with it too. And I think He is too. Used to I imagined Him sitting there looking at me, disappointed that I would worry, hoping I'd just have "enough faith" and trust Him. But I don't think that these days. What I know is that He's not worried and He has enough faith for us both and He's attracted to my weakness - He likes to be my strength. He crossed dimensions and unseen boundaries to come and experience being a person. He gets it. It's cathartic for me to write...so here ya go. 

Pain: The Lawman and I went for a walk recently after an especially hard week. One of those weeks where all I could do was sit and hold my youngest and focus on breathing. It's humbling the very little it takes to knock me off my emotional feet these days. We had accidentally discovered that some people we hold dear, who had been leaders in our life, had unfriended us on social media. I like what my counselor says, "Facebook is the 5th grade playground for adults." It's true. And I had gotten my feelings hurt, but completely understood why they would click on that button to terminate social media friendship too. Pain is pain, no matter.

Someone said over lunch a few weeks ago, "When you have a voice about the church on social media it can be perceived as attack." She's strong and doesn't mind me pushing back. "Right, but the institution of the church has a very strong voice on social media about how they think I should be practicing my faith and how I and others should live our lives and invest our time and resources, why isn't that attack? Why is that just 'vision'??" 

If I've learned one thing lately it's this - you can leave the church building, but if you have a voice about the "why" that you left, people will have issue with you. "Either you quiet your voice or you accept that you'll be judged." a wise elder in my life told me months ago. I guess I don't do well being quiet.

The shame was probably the hardest part to deal with I think - shame that such a small thing like "un-friending" would send me spinning. Humbling. So my best friend said, "Let's go for a walk." Spring is so beautiful in Texas. Walking under the large oak trees with their heavy canopies and dark protective branches made my spirits lighter. Getting outside in His creation is something that shifts things for me - makes me realize who He is and where I fit. The Lawman knows this about me and knew it would be best to pry me from my favorite chair in the corner of my room where I was hiding and go out for a walk.

We walked and talked about what we've learned these past few years. It's good to talk about that - talk about how you've changed after coming through something hard. Holding his hand and looking at the new buds on the azaleas and the soft fluorescent green blades of grass pushing through neighbors' yards put the hard we had walked through into perspective. Spring reminds me that new life comes after the death of winter. 

It's easy to feel shame when you haven't lost a child or walked through even a small bit of the living hell that refugees endure, but find yourself hurting. Unfortunately, folks are happy to confirm this too - "I've been more wounded than all of you...so forgive." is a super invalidating, controlling thing I've heard before. Like just skip over the grieving and get over it. I used to think that, say that and emote that too. My counselor laughs at me now when I try to invalidate my own pain, "Yes, Ami...I know, there's always trafficking and ebola. But pain is pain, no matter."

I told a close friend the other day - for the first time - "I'm really really grateful for this season of pain. So grateful." It surprised me. Suffering isn't exactly something you hear about in the evangelical faith movement. Well, I mean you'll hear that suffering and pain will happen (#attack), but just keep having faith and choose joy. Kind of - get over your biology and embrace that you're a spirit desperately trying to connect with another realm where everything is "right". There's not much room for entering INTO the suffering because it's not a part of heaven. And if it's not a part of heaven it shouldn't be a part of earth either. I'd like to say, neither are taste buds or the smell of your newborn baby or the way a sunset can move you - so scrap those too. They don't matter.

Jesus could have told us, "I'm getting ready to walk through more pain than any of you ever will. I'll even die on a cross. So suck it up and move on." But He didn't. He knows that pain is pain, no matter. Pain is a sacred part of being a human. Whether your theology lands on God allowing pain sovereignly or that His hands are tied while evil runs over His image bearers - we all agree that pain is a part of being a person. And that's a hard hard pill to swallow.

Turning left up the hill near our house we talked about what we have learned I said, "I've learned that I'm a person." He shook his head, he'd heard me say that before in the recent months and knew what I meant. It's not anything profound really. It's just that I have only recently embraced that I am a person and not a super-person. And not the kind of embracing like "I'm a person - I have limitations. I have to be smart about my time so that I can do the important things." Not that kind. The kind that says, "I'm a person...and that's kind of the whole point of this very brief journey." Being a person in desperate need of the Resurrection only He can bring.

Communication #tellingyourstory: Suffering is a hard thing to grab hold of as a Christian in the evangelical sphere. It's clearly communicated that if one can just believe the right way, act with enough wisdom and have enough faith you will walk in constant joy and live a miraculous missional life. Then spiritually maturing to a point that you can carry other people while knowing that the more mature you are the more you can carry. As well, you will excel in the marketplace once you get the yen yang of it all settled. Being better and doing greater than Jesus even. Not much room for being a person - a biological mass of cells that has limitations or specific wiring for that matter. Nor is there much room for being in a season of life that requires your focus be on something else less "valuable" to the Kingdom. 

Funny thing about this is this. It's your fault for perceiving this as a core value. :):) Makes me laugh now, but used to it made me crazy. "Of course, you're a person, but you can be a super-person if you can get to a plain of Christian nirvana where everything is clicking and heaven is breaking through and life is awesome." - that's the message I heard whether the intent was there or not. The message I heard as a three year old child until I was in my early 40's growing up in this young movement mixed with my American "can do" heritage. The message from well meaning people too. A message I was happy to repeat to anyone wanting to listen. "So God is basically like Santa Claus and if you live good enough and believe enough and do enough you'll get what you're promised. Promise." Gulp.

When we had three teens in the house we had this on repeat - "It doesn't matter what you meant, what you communicated is totally different from what is coming out of your mouth." 

Did you know that you're spirit being shoved into a mass of cells? And did you know that 90% of what you communicate in non verbal? Not only are we communicating through body language, we are emoting every stinkin' minute of the day. Just watch a toddler who can't talk communicate everything they would love to say and very clearly, without a word. It's why I don't put much face value in someone that says, "I didn't mean that..." Well, what exactly did you mean, because you're essentially screaming what I heard you say??

Having a voice about anything will set you up for judgment. I think that's why Jesus said, "Hey - don't judge. You don't know people's hearts. Only God knows." It's true. Judgment says you know someone's heart, but only God knows. And that is absolutely true, terrifying and freeing. 

I'm worried that we've taken that to mean that we absorb the actions of others in the name of love and forgiveness without addressing how their actions affect us. That can either promote/enable bad behavior or at the very least leave us living in denial. Yes love, yes forgive and yes talk about it. It takes tons of courage and the risk of being misunderstood to say what's going on in your heart.

Someone very courageous told us recently that a good deal of folks thought we left our dear church because we were up for eldership and didn't get chosen. I laughed out loud. Oh, my goodness - I have a tattoo and a big mouth, not exactly elder wife material and my man doesn't like the constraints of a traditional eldership...so, NO. Never crossed our minds, had no idea we were "up" for anything and that's not why we left. And some of those precious people thought I was listening to sermons from our church too and responding here on my blog. I just can't imagine the energy or effort that would take - energy I don't have or time I want to take. I haven't heard one sermon and don't follow our loving church on social media - I don't know what's going on there. I'm really sorry if anyone who reads this thought that or were told that...just not true. 


Being a Person: Having multiple teenagers at once is a beautiful experience. Really - not being sarcastic at all. We really loved that season. We have one teen left before the next triad enters that hormone filled land. But walking through the teen years with your kids gives you handles for being a person. No matter the heart of someone, biology can often overrule the heart as the mass of cells has it's way and can feel like it's screaming on a megaphone. 

It's okay to be a person. That's what I wish I had said to my children more back then. Jesus isn't disgusted or anxious about your biology. Lean into Him, He is enough and big enough to meet us in our weakness. 


More often than not I think I communicated shame. Shame for their biology. Shame for being a person. Here's the deal - I needed all of my efforts and religion to work. You know? I needed to have cracked the code and raised kids who never did serious wrong. You can do that in a way...you can raise morally perfect kids if you're willing to give up relationship. Where they feel like they have to be "on" when they're around you. Hiding the things their biology beats them into some days. So they feel shame and keep the cycle going. But their hearts will have to choose to numb out - numb out and do what's right (#performance) out of duty and not relationship. Wish I could get face to face with my younger mother self and have a serious come to Jesus meeting. Wish I could look into my green eyes and say, "You're a freakin' mess. Embrace it and embrace them!" 

How does Pain, Communication and Being a person fit in this post? It does in my head and I hope it does on here. Pain is pain, communication about the pain matters and pain can make you feel like you've run a marathon and all you can do is hold your four year old and focus on breathing. And Jesus is okay with that. Really. He gets it. 

I've grown up in this movement - fell in love with Jesus when I was three years old, speak in tongues (lost about half of yall right there ;), prayed away demons (there went another bunch;) and have seen people healed after I prayed for them. I can be hard on us, kind of like I was hard on my teens. But the beautiful thing about us is that we believe miracles still happen and that God has given us all different gifts to use to love each other. I love that. Love that part of us. Love that we will step up and engage the crisis in front of us. It matters. It's just that it's so limiting and often communicates that this life doesn't really matter if you're not excelling at "Being a Christian." And there's just so much more. More than we're comfortable with, actually. 

I think Jesus came because it IS about us AND it IS about God...about restoring relationship between us and Him. 

Here's me with my voice again.;) There is no Christian nirvana. None. And if you think there is or that you've reached it and everything will start being super natural in your life, I think you've missed something beautiful. Being a person.

There's you in your body and there's God. We're here to learn to love and to teach others to love. Period. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. And the best thing too. Embrace your biology while you can - it's a short trip and He made you. Did you hear me say He made you? He made you a biological person and He likes you. He could have just made you a spirt and left it at that, but He didn't. He likes you. He's wishing you did too. He's not disappointed in you - He likes you. And He loves you, but not like the kind of love we often think of as a parental, "I'm choosing to love you." He did everything to get here to prove His love to you. His son gave His life to rid your biology of what Christian's call "sin"...the parts of all of us that are prone to evil. He did all of that on the cross. Already. Did it already. 

There will be days when you have to pay for the choices you allowed your person to make - consequences for choosing to do wrong. Instead of beating yourself up, lean into Him. He's there to give you His strength as you admit you need Him to wash you clean every second of every day. He came here to identify with your humanity and help you. He wants to help us. 

And if you find yourself like me, crying to an older sister that you're worried about whether you'll get to build a home on your farm or not and she gently laughs, lifts your head up over the phone and says, "Oh, that's a nice first world problem to have and you know, it matters. Matters to Him." You'll hear Him in there gently giving perspective and saying, "It's okay to be a person, I've got you. And I'm not going anywhere." 

That's what pain has taught me...all is Grace. My lungs filling up and emptying, my daughter riding her bike, the pain of betrayal...it's all Grace and I didn't know that before. Didn't have language before because I just viewed it all as attack from evil...and sometimes it is. Sigh. There's so much beauty in being a person and letting Him complete His good work in me however that needs to happen. 

So if you've read this eternally long post, bless you. I hope you'll grab a blanket and go watch the sunset. Or hop on your mountain bike "without clips" like my oldest was happy to share and risk your life on some Black Diamond trails. I hope you sit down and hold a baby and feel the sacred in that act. I hope you write poetry like my daughter. Or sculpt clay like my other son and feel His pleasure in your design. I hope you feel the sacred in walking to get your coffee and inhaling it's smell...it matters as much as you sharing your faith. Promise. 

I hope you like being a person more after reading this than you did before. Because He really likes you. A lot.