When You Need Your Inheritance More than Him

Sometimes when I'm lost in thought I end up places I don't plan on.  It happened when I dropped the Lawman off at the train this morning. He was on his way to California to negotiate with unions and I was on my way home to pack up our lives.

I said goodbye to this man I've shared my life with for almost three decades knowing that if anyone can mediate between a bunch of union laborers to agree on a contract he can. His pastoral personality crosses lines deep into the marketplace. And when the paralegal sometimes hears his voice raised (#yelling:) in his office it's for good reason. In the early morning dark I turned the truck around and headed south.

I know these roads in this city - almost all of them. I've raised my kids walking, cycling and driving down almost every one of them close to her center. But somehow in my effort to turn left on Henderson I turned on Hemphill instead...and eventually ended up in front of a house we no longer call home. Our old house on 6th Avenue.

As I drove by tears streamed down my cheeks...I knew my heart was saying goodbye to her again - and to this city and to this life. When we bought that place the Lawman said he felt like we had married the city. And so I guess we divorced her when we let her go? Who knows. But grieving takes time and she will take her time too. I knew that my heart was contracting...can feel myself in an emotional transition. What my sweet friend, Tiffany and I like to call The Holy Dread...that time and space right before your baby leaves your body and takes it's first breath. You think you might die, but you know you wont. Life is painful...He promises that to be the case. 

 I used to judge people who divorced, pretty severely - you can make marriage work if you try hard enough, right? While it's never my hope for anyone - ever - and I believe marriage takes hard work, I understand more these days as I see that not all the time; but sometimes the only way for something to get better is for it to end. Our life here has come to an end. I don't feel at liberty to share the whys here, but I can grab a cup of coffee with you and catch you up one day. When I'm 80. ;) 

Maybe it's because she's a century old or maybe it's because our neighbors felt like family or because we had agreed that this was where we'd live forever. I don't know. But selling our home was one of the hardest things we have done in a long time. Who knows why - we've bought and sold a lot of homes. I just know it can be a gut punch following Jesus sometimes when you say, "Not my will, but yours..."

I guess I want to stop and say this first. I don't believe there's one way to follow Jesus. I think he gives us a canvas (our lives) and paints (choices) and He wants to be with us as we create art (our story). So while I'm telling the stories that I do on here I want to be honest, nobody has a gun to our head. We could have stayed in that house forever and stayed at our church and continued to invest in our community...Jesus would have continued to love us and been present with us. Really. He loves us because of what His son did for us, not because of what we do for Him.

But. I don't know how to express it exactly - we want to live a life like that prayer Jesus taught us to pray: Not our will, but yours...we want to lose our lives and find it in Him. And that kind of living and loving can only happen in relationship.

Used to we followed Jesus like the older brother in the Prodigal story. We wanted the inheritance just as much as the younger one. But we thought our motives were okay because our accomplishments were for the Father. We hadn't run away to squander our inheritance, we'd stayed because it was the right thing to do. If we were going to get the reward of the promises He made we needed to keep our end of the deal while we prayed for the younger brother to return. We really didn't know we were doing this - not until our hearts couldn't square up with our spirit any more.

How do you know if you're the older brother? Well...you work for God because you want things you deserve. Things He promised. Health, good marriage, great kids, awesome job, good name, the thriving ministry, the nations, accomplishments for God...you'll do whatever it takes to get that inheritance and it will all look okay because you're doing it to build your Father's kingdom. Or your inheritance. And honestly, it's not a bad way to live. It's pretty heretical, but it's a manageable formula once you figure it out.

We didn't really know we were living that way until God started asking us to give up some of our inheritance. Started letting some stuff fall apart. Like A+B was no longer equalling C. Kind of shook us. Made us angry, actually. Like the older brother in the story we didn't exactly think it was fair that we might not get what we worked so hard to get. For Him no less. Couldn't understand why He would give the "loser" over there a fatted calf and a new coat.  We were working for God and God had been working for us, thank you. Why was it all starting to feel empty and like striving? 

This way of living is a common evangelical message. You do A+B and God will give you C. He promises. You can hold onto those promises. But I'm here to say this - you will be utterly exhausted and empty. In the end you will. And you'll begin to compare yourself to other Christians and wonder what you're doing wrong. 

The Resurrection and it's practice simply isn't the American way. Hands down we are workers and builders and like our Greek brothers and sisters we could use some time - or a lifetime - under the waterfall of Grace. These days if I'm going to make the effort to attend a Sunday morning gathering a deal breaker for me is that I hear the Resurrection. Working is so much a part of my DNA I almost need someone to scream "STOP THE MADNESS!!!" every day. 

Whether you're building your Kingdom in the *world* or in the Christian faith - you're still building YOUR kingdom. Your inheritance. Get this...God still loves you. Just like the father running to his pig sty smelling son...or embracing the angry older brother, He still loves you. 

There is nothing to replace relationship with God. Nothing. And what real love and relationship with Him says is this: it's breaking the Father's heart to see the younger brother living with the pigs. And when you're a son with real relationship with your father ~ you go and get the younger brother who has wasted his inheritance. In fact, you'll be sharing everything you have with him once he's back. But the smile on your Father's face will make it all worth it. All of it. To the point - lean in close, you won't care about the inheritance...you'll just want to be with Him and see Him smile. That's it.

And that's where we've ended up. We want to see Him smile no matter what. We know we've been put on this earth to love and to learn to love. And sometimes love is painful to you and those you love. I know this journey has meant both for us. But the intimacy I have with Him - the way I can follow Him without worry about what people think or worrying if someone is cutting into my inheritance or if I'm doing it all right to have my "Best Life Now"....the freedom I have found in relationship with Him has been worth all of the loss. All of it. And I'd do it again. All of it. He is worth losing my life. All of it. 

So. No, we're not excited about moving; but we do feel compelled by Love. No, we don't like how things have ended up for us here in this beautiful city, but we've done the best we can to be honest and right relate. Are we hopeful that we'll be glad we moved? Glad we "stepped out in faith"...who the hell knows.;) Faith to me these days means loving and following Him no matter if I do it "right" or if I get the inheritance - faith to me these days means I love Him and I absolutely know He's with me.

So here we are. Weeks are flying by and we'll be leaving for a new start in what my ancestors called Tanasi...the Cherokee word for *river*. Tennessee is where both of my parents were born and raised. I was born here in the Lone Star state and y'all - I'm proud to say I've lived here most all of my life and I'll miss her very much. I've heard that when you get older and closer to passing on you go back to your homeland...so maybe one day I'll be back. We'll just have to see...I've a lot of living to do before I think about the end.;) 

We do have some things to share about where we're moving and all, but we'll wait until we're more certain on the land and purchase than we were last time. :) Ya'll can pray everything moves forward without a hitch...that'd be awesome. Regardless, we'll be off to the land of bluegrass and mountains to see if there are any younger brothers/sisters throwing their lives away or older ones striving their best to keep what's theirs - who need a brother or sister to show them the way home. And we will. Probably I'm going to show them, like any good older sibling would ;),  a picture of my perfect life that I left here to come find them and drag their sorry selves back to the Father!! :) 

Here's the deal though...it could all fall apart. We could end up in a season that looks like we messed up...like we hadn't figured out the formula. And that's ok. We're willing to look foolish if that's what He wants. We're okay with that...finally. But no longer are we willing to live for the inheritance. We just want to live for Him. 

So y'all come see us...we'll be in a farm house on a hill waving the Lone Star flag. ;)