Broken Dreams...

Texas Tech Law School

I was looking at pictures recently. The ones that really caught my eye were the ones of me and my family in our law school days. If you have ever had multiple children and pursued a law degree...I'm sorry. That's really all that needs to be said. I'm just so sorry. But what I feel pretty sure of is that you might have met some other families trying to shift the tide of their futures there too. At least I hope you did - that's the only reason I got to the end of that season half-way sane. Some of our favorite people of all time still live in that West Texas town.

Law school for us was an attempt at trying to attain the American Dream. Our destinies seemed so wrapped up in grades, Law Review, clerkships and offers. Our future seemed like it would be extraordinary or devastating all based on our decisions at that time. Like law school was going to determine the rest of our lives. Good - ness. The anxiety of that season still makes me breathe deep. We are both so glad to not be in our 20's anymore where it seemed like we had to have the rest of our lives mapped out. Hey, you awesome 20yo's...life isn't going to go as planned anyway, so take a deep breath and relax. It's all good. :) 

But everything seemed possible back then. Good ol' fashion hard work and opportunity would pay off in time, we knew that was a fact and we weren't scared of hard work - we knew how to do that with our eyes closed. What we needed was a title and position in society and financial security. Mercy, Jesus...it's true. That was us back then, I'm embarrassed to say. Both trying to shake off difficult pasts and then the stigmas about marrying "too young" and having babies "too young". We didn't care - we had something to prove and we were hell bent on proving it too. And then the whole world literally changed.

In his last semester at law school two jets flew into the Twin Towers and another into the Pentagon and rearranged what it meant to be an American. Not only did it change the country I would raise my children in it would change the legal market too. No longer would all of the top students like the Lawman who had worked hard, got good grades, made Law Review and had a great clerkship with a large firm end up with a for sure job offer at the end. No. Everything had changed.

I remember that summer before 911. We were staying at the Lawman's uncle and aunt's house while he clerked in Dallas. I was walking to the back of the house with laundry and heard Jesus say, "Do you want security or husband who has a heart after me?" I stopped kind of stunned. I stood there folding clothes and thinking. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.

Life had never been easy for me. Financial stress had always been a part of my story. Without going into details, suffice it to say that I was desperate to have financial security for myself and my children. Desperate. When I heard Jesus say what He did I knew what He meant. Would I want to choose money or Him? That might sound weird, but I'm not making it up. I'd like to say that I said, "Oh, I want you, Jesus! I want my husband to follow after you!!! Forget financial security!" But I didn't. :) I said, "Well...I want both. But if I have to choose I want Chris to follow after you with everything in him."

I'm not saying that my prayer of surrender caused the events of 911. Not at all, but I am saying that I feel certain it mattered that I surrendered my future to Him. And I would respond in a similar way to another question of surrender about 12 years later. 

Months before graduation we found ourselves accepting the only job he was offered. Making almost one third less the salary he made BEFORE law school, the Lawman pulled a chair up to a desk at a small bankruptcy boutique here in Fort Worth with a boss who loved Elvis and had him plastered all over the office. It wasn't much, but when there isn't anything else and you have three kids - you take it. We didn't know it then, but today we would both tell you that we feel like we were rescued from the life we thought we wanted in Dallas.

We moved to Fort Worth that spring and honestly, we were bewildered because things hadn't turned out like we thought they would. No big attorney job with six figures, no private educations for our kids, not large suburban home and country club membership. None of that...that dream crumbled down along with the towers.

It's so interesting looking back on that season of our lives. In the middle of it I wouldn't have seen any of the goodness or His leading. If anything I felt abandoned and alone - forgotten by Him. But today I see His kindness in all of it, really. It helps me to even write that because it gives me the smallest spark of hope that He's been in all of this recent hard too.

Before long we fell in love with this city endearingly called, Cowtown. Growing up in the Dallas area we had always felt out of place, but this smaller town was everything we didn't know we wanted. We settled down, buried those broken dreams and decided we'd make a go of it here. I'm so glad we did. 

The Fort

We moved our family into a small rent house, made barely enough money to pay our bills, including the ungodly school loans and a car payment. We felt like everything we had worked so hard to have had evaporated into thin air. In fact, it had. On our tenth anniversary we were penniless and found ourselves eating pancakes at home with the kids. :) #romantic

That was 14 years ago. The Lawman did eventually leave that original small firm and *Elvis*. We flipped houses to pay off law school loans, bought our century old *forever home*, invested deeply in our church, raised kids and intentionally sought out community that really has been family for us. Fort Worth has been more than we had hoped she would be and is still our favorite place on the planet.

Looking back I'm seeing a very beautiful life here in this town. One filled with hard, of course; but so full of beauty. If I could sit down with my early 30's self that first day in that little house on Cockrell Avenue in the spring of 2002 and share a cup of coffee I would have a few things to tell myself: 

I'd say ~

• Her fist held tight around control is keeping her from experiencing peace.
• Remember to breathe. 
• Her kids will love her through all of her many imperfections. 
• Regarding parenting - "Quit trying so hard! Enjoy them! They're going to be amazing! Stopping running everywhere and sit on the floor with them and read a book." 
• That the things that really matter sleep under her roof, everyone and everything else can get in line...it's going to be about 18 years before you can help anybody (really help) at your door. And the one or two you can help? He will multiply your small efforts and that way He gets all the glory anyway.
• I'd remind her that her husband is a man made of dust and to embrace his humanity instead of judging his Christianity because he really is incredible.
• That she may have at sometime (pre 8 pregnancies...that one time when you were 17:) felt sexy, but she won't feel beautiful until she knows who she is and accepts it.
• That Jesus will ask more of her than she ever thought He would and that it will often feel like she can't breathe because of the price, but He's right there with her and it's worth it.
• Remember that your life doesn't have to make sense to others. You're free.
• I'd probably write this down and put it on her fridge "You cannot change the world. Jesus already did that so quit trying. The pressure is off."
• Make time to enjoy dear friends over good food and wine - laugh and cry together and remember all He's done for you, it's the Eucharist. Do this a lot.
• And as the coffee got cold I would say "So there's something you're not going to like in life, but you will learn to love. It's called grief and surrender ~ it's the only way to hope when life gets hard. If you fight it you'll miss out on one of life's most beautiful journeys. Don't fight it, baby girl...embrace your weakness and you'll find Him stronger than you ever imagined. I promise that getting to the end of this cycle of grief will be worth it.

About three years ago I was walking around in our old neighborhood near downtown not thinking about anything while I was singing along to a song about surrender. And then I hear, "You have to surrender your kids to Me. You hold on so tightly to them and you're so determined to not be a source of pain to them that you won't follow me where I'm asking you to go. You don't know the plans I have for them and where I'll take them, and yet you hold on so tightly to this house and to your life. You have to let them go, Ami. Give it all to me." And He was right and I burst into tears right there at 8th and Cantey.

I walked for a long time and pleaded with God.  Jesus did this too. Even sweated blood. My heart sobbed, "Can you please leave me alone about this? For real. There are no less than 10,000 college kids you could ask to go and do whatever it is you need to do and they WANT to go! Why did you give me that forever house and this beautiful community who are like family to us and put me in a city I love if you just mean to take it away?!!!" He said, "Because I knew you would want to give me your best." And what, dear friend, do you say to that? I didn't exactly say yes, but I didn't say no. 

So today I'm sitting here typing in a small rent house right by a busy highway, one house over from the train tracks and my back yard sets right up to two large parking lots of a mega church. All nice first world problems. :) I am married to a man who loves Jesus more than anything. I keep surrendering my kids to Him - every single day because I keep taking them back by nightfall. We left our dear church of 8 years and lost friends, community, a "good name" and a beautiful life along the way. Two of our kids no longer live at home. We sold our *forever home*. We still have one car. :) I home school our little people. We're here at home almost every night and drinking deep of this new rhythm. I share coffee with my favorite person each morning. I shop at thrift stores and sometimes the Loft too. We gather around our table with friends to share the Eucharist often.  We've learned that Jesus and people are more important than anything else. And it's beautiful. 

We don't know for sure what the future holds for us, but it most likely embraces more beauty than I can imagine because my idea of beauty has changed to include a lot more than the American Dream. These days beauty even includes pain and loss and grief.

Every time in life when I feel like dreams have crumbled and life is "over", I've been proven wrong. It just gets more beautiful with Him. This is the whole point of this blog - don't live your life for a dream, live it for Him and the dreams He has will come and they're more beautiful than you could ever imagine, plan for or desire. Promise. Better than you can ever imagine. Just take a deep breath and live a simple life for Him while you keep loving people. 

So, I'll get back with you on this next dream He seems to be working up for the Burr clan. I'm sure it will be more beautiful than I can imagine. ;)