metamorphosis:

Sitting next to her, I can't stop crying. Dying to yourself and everything you love isn't for the ones who put a premium on being happy. Sadness teaches you that without her presence joy will never fully be experienced. So this friend, she sees the dying going on in us and she's holding my hand and smiling and saying, "You're not weird...well, you are weird, but not weird for Him or for us. He's all in this, Ami. He's leading your family into the next season. He's doing a new thing...you're going to watch it happen." There is nothing as comforting, when dying to your old self, as when someone who has lived through the metamorphosis process, during her 25 years in Asia no less, is there telling you that it's okay that you don't know who you are in the liquified state you find yourself...wrapped tightly in a cocoon called process. Tears dry and hope begins to rise. 

metamorphosis: is a biological process by which an animal physically develops after birth or hatching, involving a conspicuous and relatively abrupt change in the animal's body structure through cell growth and differentiation.

If there could be a better definition to our journey over the past few years I'm not aware of it, but metamorphosis certainly speaks to our hearts as we sit with Him in this season. Today we feel our wings wet and crumpled and we feel extremely vulnerable. More than anything we feel peace and hope beginning to pulse through our veins. But it has not always felt like hope was anywhere near during this season of change. 

What is so interesting about change is that often you don't know what you're becoming, what you're changing into. Sometimes the only thing you know is who/what you aren't any more. As we walk through recent changes with how we personally express the Bride, dreaming about the future regarding career and helping older children diffuse the pressure from well meaning people asking about their plans after college - one thing stands out. People want to know. I know I do. And most people aren't comfortable with not knowing. 

It's something cultural maybe, but knowing the plan for the future brings a sense of security to you and others around you. Not knowing? Well, that just brings a lot of anxiety to most of us. And people want to help you figure it out because they love you. Yet something we've learned through this metamorphosis is that you don't have to know - you can just be. Present. Today. Fully who He's made you to be. Like my big sister said the day she brought me soup, "Just be Ami..." I needed that - still do. 

For most of our lives it has been very important to us to know what's coming, what is The Plan? It didn't matter if The Plan needed to change, at least having one made us feel more at ease. Today that seems like people we used to be, familiar and somehow in another life. I don't think we could create a plan if our life depended on it right now - as appealing as it sounds. 

I'm hoping that I don't communicate that plans are bad. Everyone has plans and uses them every single day of their lives. If we didn't have them (plans/systems) things would get crazy. Fast. But what I'm talking about is the way we can worship The Plan over God - that governing direction in life that we can communicate clearly to ourselves and others without talking to Him about it much at all. That false sense of security that forgets you could die in your sleep holding hands with your plans. 

When we live life with a governing plan it's easy to check out. Like saying, "We'll think about something different when we retire." On a basic story level nobody wants to read that kind of book, but it's the one we most often write - "We did ABC and D happened. It was awesome." But when we start asking questions to God about our plans...things get messy. Fast. In fact, I'd recommend not asking if you don't want to hear. :) 

If you're a Jesus follower and you have questions you look to the Bible for answers. It's hard for me to think about theology. Because honestly you can build a case for completely different arguments from the same Bible. If you're reading through the older part of the Bible you'll for sure see God telling His people "You need a plan...so here it is. If you don't have a plan you're going to all die." And then the newer part of the Bible you'll hear God's son, Jesus, saying "Don't have a plan. Don't even think about tomorrow and what you'll wear." So. #awesome 

He's a parent and God knows us. He knows us inside out. Each of my kids do certain things when they lie. One in particular is awful at it and when I know they're lying I can count on the sun not setting without them telling me the truth. How much more does God know us and how we work and our weaknesses? God knew that the Lawman and I valued - greatly - The Plan. So much so that we made it higher than Him. We in effect stopped asking Him if The Plan might still be what He wants us to do. Kind of like signing up for college - it'll take four years so...it'll be four years before you ask Him for another plan. We'd stopped asking. 

That's where we were a few years ago. Why would we ask if He wanted us to sell our forever home? It was our forever home and one He had done miracles to get us into by the way. Our daughter was leaving for college...He didn't make big changes in people's lives when kids were going to college. Why would we ask Him about desires in our heart regarding how we express the Bride? We were content and hadn't asked Him about that for 6 years at the time. Why would we ask about another wholly different career when we were in the city/church/community we wanted to bring our grandchildren into?

Why ask when everything is comfortable?

We had stopped asking. Stopped asking, not because we didn't know you're supposed to keep asking, but because change is spelled - EXHAUSTION. And we were tired. Six kids to start. But it's even tiring for people like us who have grown up with and learned to adapt quickly to change. The level of emotional energy it takes to enter into change seemed too great a price to pay. But He kept calling and inviting and speaking and like someone knocking on the door - we mustered the courage to open the door and ask Him, "What do you want to show us? What do you want to say? We'll do whatever you say..."

Back to the Bible, I think God knew that the Israelites rejecting Him on the mountain after leaving Egypt meant that they were not ready to be lead by the Holy Spirit. They needed The Plan and people to help them follow The Plan. Then Jesus came. Jesus' life, death and resurrection changed everything. It fulfilled The Plan. He was The Plan and He wanted to come and live inside and communicate with us daily. He wants to lead us daily. He doesn't want us to worry beyond today. I personally hate this whole daily leading thing. But I do see how it keeps me out of the way of forcing things to happen that He never had in mind or that He did have in mind and changed along the way. And I love that. :) 

In Acts Stephen is talking to the Jewish leaders who are holding stones tight in their hands, ready to kill him, "You always resist the Holy Spirit!!!" (Acts 7:51) I laughed reading it this morning because I know why they resisted, it's the same reason I resist Him...at best the Holy Spirit asks us to do unusual things and at worst - terrifying things. The most terrifying of all is when He messes with my plans. Jesus really is right when He says, "Living for me will cost you your life." And you will miss - deeply - your old life sometimes. I think that's been the hardest part of coming out of the cocoon...we miss being a caterpillar. 

And who wants to be a caterpillar or a butterfly for that matter? I'd rather be a horse in battle or a strong ox who pulls great weight. I was telling that to a friend the other day and how the ecosystem can probably go along just fine without butterflies and she stopped and said, "Yeah so when I think about butterflies I think about how they help flowers live, bringing beauty...and I think about how they migrate for the next generation." Tears ran down my face...Jesus knows how to encourage each of us. He knows I'll do anything to help the next generation ~ legacy means a great deal to me. If my obedience can help someone down the road it makes the hard easier. 

A dear friend of mine didn't know about this new butterfly thing Jesus had been talking to us about; but she had been praying for us and sent me a text "Hey, been praying for you today...Jesus says "She has wings." Tears, again. ;) Then a friend sent this picture she'd seen and thought about me before hearing of the butterfly theme...Jesus is speaking loud and clear. 

Tears are a regular part of my life these days. Being odd is getting to feel more "normal", but feeling like I don't belong is painful every day. Yet, the Lawman and I laugh because in many ways we're everything we ever judged...LOL!!!

One thing I've learned is this - if you are walking with someone who is going through the process of metamorphosis in an area of their life, the most loving thing you can do is be present. You don't have to have any answers, but your texts/calls/Voxers/PRAYERS/coffees (yall know who you are! :) ...they will be the Hope of Christ she can see and feel through the opaque cocoon she finds herself in. 

So here we are sitting on the log not knowing what the future holds. We're still tired. Because dying makes you tired. And apparently waking up to new life does too. After the metamorphosis in this season of our lives we recognize parts of us that look familiar, but other parts look completely different and we have no idea how to even use them. But one new thing I see on the Lawman is his heart to write ~ and I'm beyond excited to read what's going to come out!

These wings are wet and crumpled right now...so we're here feeling the wind of the Spirit begin to dry them out as Hope pumps through our veins. We'll wait for Him to lift us to places we've never thought of going, but not without knowing the cost of what it meant to fly. And we are praying for the next generation of the Bride ~ may she soar with Him to places we only dream of going.