The Perfect Storm

"Life is hard and it always will be...but Jesus promises to be with us." came rolling out of my mouth and I didn't even hear what I was saying. The air in the room was still like the skies before a Texas storm. All of the trees are motionless, the air feels electric and there's a green tint to everything. Anyone born on this land of extremes can sense when the atmosphere is taking a deep breath. And when it exhales all of the fury of the built up 100+ degree summer days ~ we all run for cover. Part of you is afraid of what might drop out of the sky and destroy your home and the people you love, but there is a deep measure of relief as the rain cools and cleans everything that has survived the summer. You know that however it needs to get here the rain will bring healing to the parched land.

That night I had joined the Lawman at his counseling session. The counselor had been walking with him during what I lovingly came to call his "Midlife Moment" because my personality does not take to being stuck in anything "unnecessary" for long. Crisis sounded too much for me. :) #GodblessChris

The response about life being hard was my response to the question, "Where are you on the scale of Father's Love and Prophetic Mission?" The Lawman answered and then I went on for about 5 minutes. Our counselor just sat there smiling kindly as I finished. He is kind and full of compassion, but not to be mistaken; he's a warrior too. I respect warriors because I am one and Jesus knew I would hear what he had to say. 

I felt good about my response - not in a performance kind of way, but an honest way and yet couldn't tell you what I'd said. So when he stopped and said "Can we go back to that first sentence?" I gladly said yes..."Life is hard and it always will be...but Jesus promises to be with us." he repeated and smiled like a friend who sees the wounds you can't. 

"You're exhausted aren't you." 

The storm of tears came and I couldn't stop crying. Shame and relief and pain and confusion all ran down my cheeks while my heart pounded and I held onto the Lawman's hand for "cover". I had worked so hard not to be exhausted. Although I was uncomfortable I knew the tears, like the rain, were bringing healing. 

Here's what's interesting to me about life and living...it's a process and not a product. It's a journey and not a destination. It's a life and not a performance. There is no report card at the end - just Grace. I kind of hate that...hate that it's about the process. I'm all about "getting there". So along the way there are surprises for me, especially if I think I've gotten somewhere. 

This raw emotional display in front of two men I trust was just confusing. Super confusing. I HAD been resting and actually had put a lot of energy into, "THANK YOU." So why was I crying when someone recognized my exhaustion? So confusing.

But I had learned enough over the past few years to know that confusing is okay and like a map upside down is familiar, but doesn't make sense - things would eventually be set right. But it's best to not try to use the map upside down, better to wait for someone to help you turn it right side up and read it with you. I had always prided myself in not needing a trail guide other than Jesus. Just me and Jesus. Pride kept me from seeing the absolute life and wisdom and guidance that can come from a counselor who loves Jesus too. :) #grace

We had spent the summer of 2013 in Mongolia. We came home a mess. We are still a mess, but maybe a more sensical mess? :) Things had been shaken up in our hearts and some of those things just wouldn't settle until we dealt with them. One of those *things* was learning to rest. Rest doesn't come naturally for us. The Lawman and I like to work hard and we are most often not "content" or feel like we're doing anything unless we feel like we're breathing through that straw on the marathon. #selfaware:) But rest was something that Jesus continued to bring up in our hearts. As He showed us that the striving/grinding/busy schedule we kept was holding hands with performance we did a few things to severe that relationship:

• We took a sabbatical that next summer
• We hosted a retreat centered on rest at our home that fall with a speaker who does this as part of her job
• We began to take things off of our plate that kept the pace of life too crazy for this large family
• We began to practice Sabbath
• We started saying no

And it was HARD. 

I said once before that nobody will throw you a party for getting free...nor will they throw you a party for resting.:) 

Whenever you start to change it makes other uncomfortable. It's just a part of life. Change is hard enough if you're doing it with others. And change without others doing it too is just scary. But at some point in life you have to own your story. Or you have to hustle for your worthiness. No one else can write your story and living like they should be writing your story isn't going to get you anywhere.

Those years ago as we began to explore rest, we felt loved and there were folks who tried to understand and a few who wished we would just suck it up; but not many who we could ask how to do this thing called rest. Plenty of folks who knew how to take time off, but we wondered if what we felt was true: 

Rest isn't just time off...it's a tangible atmosphere. 

A way of life. 

It's an invitation we offer others. 

A life lived that says, "The pressure's off. 

I don't need you, I just love you."

While our culture may say that it's okay to rest "smart" so you can keep doing the important things - like rest is a vitamin to keep you healthy. What we came to learn and keep learning is that rest is actually a lifestyle of worship. And rest - the vulnerability of it - is the birthplace of creativity. It's an atmosphere. Something you want to invite others into. Something other than, "Come love Jesus and be as stressed out as I am!!!!! It's awesome!!" 


What's interesting too is that you can tell someone to rest the live long day, but it usually takes crisis for them to get the message. Along the way I'm sure we'd been told to rest. But grace on all of us who know the story in Genesis where God says to rest 24 hours a week...and we still don't rest. ;) 

At the beginning of this world practicing the Sabbath was an admission that God was in control and our existence was not based on what we were or were not doing. Rest was just as necessary - if not more-so - than work. Rest was worship. Rest is worship. Rest is the admission that He is God and we are not. Rest is something that we vibe/communicate/invite others into. Rest was something God was inviting us into...He is still inviting us.

So back to the storm in the counselor's office. When it passed, I was able to see some things I hadn't before. While we had been being intentional about rest, I realized that exhaustion is not always about your schedule. It can take an exhaustive amount of life and energy to function in a way you were not personally created to function. It can leave you constantly in a state of exhaustion no matter how much you sleep or how much time you take off or how much you pace yourself. 

"Owning our stories can be hard,

but not nearly as difficult as running from it."

                                                Brene Brown

And so that night I gave myself permission to begin the journey of owning my story. Of resting in how He made me. Giving myself permission to rest is who He's made me to be and the story He's writing with my life. Resting and waiting patiently for Him in the process. Knowing that He will set my feet on a rock - giving me a firm place to stand. And resting in knowing that He will put a new song in my mouth. Resting in the Father's love.

Because like our friend said that night, "If you cannot sit on the front porch with your cup of coffee and experience His great pleasure in you, even if you never did anything of value again, you'll never have anything to offer the prophetic mission of God." And he's right. And He's right.

I'm happy to say that today I have found His deepest pleasure in sipping my coffee more often than not and knowing that He loves me. And I feel His pleasure when I invite our neighbors over for beer while we share our stories about following Jesus. I feel His pleasure in living sacrificially. I feel His pleasure in saying no to really good things and yes sometimes too. 

But for the first time ever I feel like I have something to offer others. Not the many I arrogantly thought I had to help, but the one or two...an invitation to be at rest in His love. To know that if the burden is not easy and yoke light it's not Him. An invitation to rest...because what I've learned so far is that out of those small things - the leaven that works its way through the dough of life - big things come into being.