How To Ruin Your Children 101
This happens every year around this time. I find myself getting ready for the start of school and all of my imperfections as a parent begin to surface. It's a joke, really, that He keeps asking me to homeschool. My education essentially stopped at 8th grade when I began to help my family in a cleaning business and from there I just continued to get odd jobs until I was married. SO insecurity is a start to defining how I feel teaching any kind of academics to my children at home. But I've learned over the years that hearing Jesus and doing whatever He says turns out WAY better than doing what I think is "best"...the right thing is always better than a good thing.
I have children who love being educated at home and others who's eyes roll back into their heads when I say we're homeschooling their younger siblings. Love the votes of confidence. LOL ;) I have to remind myself that obedience to Jesus is always met with opposition. And when you've done your best and your children respond with a big sign saying "You Messed UP!" and you know its true...yall, you gotta find Jesus!;) I actually love that they feel comfortable being honest with me, but it can be a whippin'
sometimes too. And I also know that more than likely the reasons He has them here at home with me has very little to do with academics...and none of us under this old roof knows what those reasons are in their fullness yet. But this post isn't about homeschool. I was homeschooled and I can tell you that I'd advocate private, public and homeschool ~ do whatever Jesus is telling you to do. This post is more about Trust.
My parents came from a background/family producing a childhood that would leave many of us in tears if it were on the big screen. I can tell you that I did not appreciate all of the ways that they put stakes in the ground and said "Not with my children. Things will be different for them." For many years, like most young women trying to kill those weeds of pride in their lives, I could only focus on the ways I thought they'd messed up and how it had affected my life. I could not see the effort and miracle it took to break generational curses off of a legacy.
As I waded my way through the toddler years and elementary and even into the early teens of my kids I still did not value the foundation my parents had laid for me to build my legacy upon. What a shame. Little did I know that the kindness of Jesus would allow very, very hard things to result from my "perfect" life and parenting.
Today I'm very aware (sobered) that the Lawman and my parenting, combined with our brokenness, are a Divine recipe of pain for my children. This is absolutely devastating if you don't believe that a Hero will come and rescue your children - from you. I've also learned that how my children turn out is not based on me and my parenting. I am not responsible for how my children turn out. If I am responsible then so is God responsible for how Adam and Eve, raised in perfection, turned out those many years ago. Truly this is proof that even a perfect parent is capable of having a child who needs a Hero, a Savior, a King.
Laying down perfection is a profound relief and freedom in parenting - in life, really. But for many years I would seek and believe that there was a "right" way to parenting/raising kids. I could see that most people were doing it "wrong" and it gave me much false peace to see that I wasn't. I did not want the freedom kind of parenting - it was too frightening. I didn't know that "where the Spirit of the LORD is = there is freedom." This freedom allows you to hear Jesus and do whatever He says without fear of the results. This is extremely hard for someone who loves order and control and thrives on A+B=C. But this truth is the very reason I deflect any honor or accolades someone gives regarding my children. They are who they are because they have bent their knees to Jesus and made Him their King. He is their Treasure.
When Jesus lifted the false sense of peace I had created and allowed all of my perfect parenting to result in things I never would have imagined (I'd been so careful - so godly...how did this happen?!!) I had to find another way or I would drown in depression and guilt. It is this knowledge - this walking through hard with your children - that brings you to the place of much dependence on Jesus and a realization that He is attracted to our weakness. And how the realization of your own imperfections will give life to others as compassion grows in your heart.
So while I have and continue to find freedom in my weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9 - love how the Message reads) I really wrestled for years with "why" I even try to parent in a way that is good. Over time I was able to lay down the "right" ways, the control-forcing an outcome way, the raising kids "God's Way" (God has many ways based on a few principles;)...and I was able to relax into obedience and Trust. Trust that whatever He desires will be Good. So what does Jesus say is the most important thing?
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.
Luke 10:27
Well...can I just say that this takes every minute of 18 years in our house to learn??!! Chris and I had to learn - still have to learn - to do this ourselves...and then there's six others too. But it was a place to start. And as they got older we would talk about Matthew 28:19-20
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you."
Parenting is basic discipleship that embraces Revelation 7:10:
"Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb."
I am most at home with moms who have not figured parenting out yet - and aren't hell bent on trying. They're usually moms who have adult children and have weathered some severe storms. There's this unspoken knowing that we are not perfect and neither are our children. This desperate belief in prayer, in community and in the Author of the stories of our lives. I don't try to figure things out as much as I used to - like why He wants me to homeschool when I've ALWAYS wanted to buy cute little uniforms and have some time to myself!!!!!! For the love of God, I love plaid!!!!!! I like being with moms who don't critique and are not threatened with why I might be doing a particular thing with my kids, but just understand that His ways are higher even if we don't understand.
The Lawman and I love our children and ask forgiveness a lot more than we used to back in the day. We invite them to be honest and try to - like any well run institution - check in to see how we can improve. But I don't think we strive anymore. We for sure pray a LOT and fast a LOT and rely on our brothers and sisters in Christ to help us a LOT. But we've found "peace that passes understanding" because we trust Him. He's the only thing Trustworthy.
I have children who love being educated at home and others who's eyes roll back into their heads when I say we're homeschooling their younger siblings. Love the votes of confidence. LOL ;) I have to remind myself that obedience to Jesus is always met with opposition. And when you've done your best and your children respond with a big sign saying "You Messed UP!" and you know its true...yall, you gotta find Jesus!;) I actually love that they feel comfortable being honest with me, but it can be a whippin'
sometimes too. And I also know that more than likely the reasons He has them here at home with me has very little to do with academics...and none of us under this old roof knows what those reasons are in their fullness yet. But this post isn't about homeschool. I was homeschooled and I can tell you that I'd advocate private, public and homeschool ~ do whatever Jesus is telling you to do. This post is more about Trust.
My parents came from a background/family producing a childhood that would leave many of us in tears if it were on the big screen. I can tell you that I did not appreciate all of the ways that they put stakes in the ground and said "Not with my children. Things will be different for them." For many years, like most young women trying to kill those weeds of pride in their lives, I could only focus on the ways I thought they'd messed up and how it had affected my life. I could not see the effort and miracle it took to break generational curses off of a legacy.
As I waded my way through the toddler years and elementary and even into the early teens of my kids I still did not value the foundation my parents had laid for me to build my legacy upon. What a shame. Little did I know that the kindness of Jesus would allow very, very hard things to result from my "perfect" life and parenting.
Today I'm very aware (sobered) that the Lawman and my parenting, combined with our brokenness, are a Divine recipe of pain for my children. This is absolutely devastating if you don't believe that a Hero will come and rescue your children - from you. I've also learned that how my children turn out is not based on me and my parenting. I am not responsible for how my children turn out. If I am responsible then so is God responsible for how Adam and Eve, raised in perfection, turned out those many years ago. Truly this is proof that even a perfect parent is capable of having a child who needs a Hero, a Savior, a King.
Laying down perfection is a profound relief and freedom in parenting - in life, really. But for many years I would seek and believe that there was a "right" way to parenting/raising kids. I could see that most people were doing it "wrong" and it gave me much false peace to see that I wasn't. I did not want the freedom kind of parenting - it was too frightening. I didn't know that "where the Spirit of the LORD is = there is freedom." This freedom allows you to hear Jesus and do whatever He says without fear of the results. This is extremely hard for someone who loves order and control and thrives on A+B=C. But this truth is the very reason I deflect any honor or accolades someone gives regarding my children. They are who they are because they have bent their knees to Jesus and made Him their King. He is their Treasure.
When Jesus lifted the false sense of peace I had created and allowed all of my perfect parenting to result in things I never would have imagined (I'd been so careful - so godly...how did this happen?!!) I had to find another way or I would drown in depression and guilt. It is this knowledge - this walking through hard with your children - that brings you to the place of much dependence on Jesus and a realization that He is attracted to our weakness. And how the realization of your own imperfections will give life to others as compassion grows in your heart.
So while I have and continue to find freedom in my weaknesses (2 Cor 12:9 - love how the Message reads) I really wrestled for years with "why" I even try to parent in a way that is good. Over time I was able to lay down the "right" ways, the control-forcing an outcome way, the raising kids "God's Way" (God has many ways based on a few principles;)...and I was able to relax into obedience and Trust. Trust that whatever He desires will be Good. So what does Jesus say is the most important thing?
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.
Luke 10:27
Well...can I just say that this takes every minute of 18 years in our house to learn??!! Chris and I had to learn - still have to learn - to do this ourselves...and then there's six others too. But it was a place to start. And as they got older we would talk about Matthew 28:19-20
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you."
Parenting is basic discipleship that embraces Revelation 7:10:
"Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb."
I am most at home with moms who have not figured parenting out yet - and aren't hell bent on trying. They're usually moms who have adult children and have weathered some severe storms. There's this unspoken knowing that we are not perfect and neither are our children. This desperate belief in prayer, in community and in the Author of the stories of our lives. I don't try to figure things out as much as I used to - like why He wants me to homeschool when I've ALWAYS wanted to buy cute little uniforms and have some time to myself!!!!!! For the love of God, I love plaid!!!!!! I like being with moms who don't critique and are not threatened with why I might be doing a particular thing with my kids, but just understand that His ways are higher even if we don't understand.
The Lawman and I love our children and ask forgiveness a lot more than we used to back in the day. We invite them to be honest and try to - like any well run institution - check in to see how we can improve. But I don't think we strive anymore. We for sure pray a LOT and fast a LOT and rely on our brothers and sisters in Christ to help us a LOT. But we've found "peace that passes understanding" because we trust Him. He's the only thing Trustworthy.
So take a deep breath. Let go of control, ask Jesus what He wants you to do with your kids at every turn and do whatever He says. He will give you the grace to be broken and the grace to allow your children to be broken too. And you'll find He's right there with you. Right there.
Whew, Ami! You covered a lot of ground here! Every generation truly believes that they will be the perfect parent, meaning that they surely won't make the same mistakes their foolish and horrible parents made. It isn't until our own children start to spread their wings that we learn that even though we did our best, our parenting comes under harsh, and sometimes unforgiving scrutiny. The bottom line is our heart attitude. Did we seek God's wisdom and guidance? You and Chris can answer a hearty YES to that. A parent can do no better than that! You have/are done the best job you could possibly do. Parenting is hard! And, it doesn't end once the child is out of the nest. Our job is neveending. I asked Mamaw Payne once if she ever regretted having so many children. She said, "No. I love each and every one of my children, but for every child you have, you double the heartache.". This is so true. We lobe our children unconditionally, and when the criticism comes, it breaks our heart. How much more must we break the heart of our Father every day? When all is said and done, remember that you walked in obedience to Him. You did your job well. What your children choose to do is not in your control. You have to release them to His tender watchcare and just be there to rejoice in their successes, encourage them through their hard times, and be there to help pick up the pieces when they fail.
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